TALKING DOG

Our dog can talk. I'm not kidding. Most people doubt it until they hear her, then they are believers. We got our dog from the Humane Society in April 2003 so we named her April. We first met her in March but she had to be spayed before we would be allowed to take her home. I guess we could have named her March, but what kind of a name is that for a girl? The first time we saw her we knew that she was the dog we wanted. She was soooooo cute. I must admit I was a little apprehensive at first. She was a pit bull mix and she was gonna be big when she was full grown. We knew all about the pit bull reputation, but I was certain that how the dog was raised had a lot to do with its disposition. We showered her with love from the start and never hit her. She is part Labrador retriever. She had the instincts of both breeds. She would run and retrieve her rubber bone whenever I threw it but I would have to pry it out of her mouth. She wouldn't let go. She had that bite down and don't let go instinct from the pit bull side of her. She still does, but if I don't try to take the bone away, she will eventually put it down at my feet.......the retriever instinct.
Until she was house broken, we had to keep her in the kitchen most of the time. Even though she had Mama and Daddy approved items to chew on while she was teething, one night she ate the bottom of the china cabinet. The kitchen chair legs didn't fare much better. Another time she was playing with the rice keeper, and managed to dump three cups of rice on the floor. It scared the hell out of her. From that day on she wouldn't go near it and for as long as we had it if she had to pass it she would watch it suspiciously until she was safely by. From day one, I was her Daddy and my wife was her Mama. When she was about six months old, she started talking. At first it all sounded like muted growls to us so we pretty much ignored it. I'm sure what she was "saying" made sense to her and she would get upset when we didn't respond.
Then one day, she said "Mama". We couldn't believe it. When April realized that we were finally listening to what she had to say, she said it again "Mama", plain as day. I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to get her to say "Daddy" with no luck. We couldn't teach her to say any other recognizable words. But now she knew she could get a response with "Mama" so anytime she wanted something she would go up to one of us and say "Mama". Of course, then we had to figure out what she wanted. We have always talked to April as if she were human. She will stand there and look at you and listen. When she doesn't understand something, she will cock her head to one side. When she does that, I just repeat what I said using simpler words. She is the smartest dog we have ever had. When she is looking around the living room for her rubber bone and I tell her "You left it on the bed", she runs in the bedroom and in a few seconds is back with the bone. After her bath I ask her if she wants to put her collar back on. She comes right over to me and puts her head in the collar when I hold it up. If I ask her if she wants to go for a ride in the car, she goes nuts and races over to where we keep her leash.
Now she is full grown and weighs more than 70 pounds. She will be seven in February. Despite all of our efforts, we were unable to ever get her to say anything but "Mama". She still says a lot of stuff besides "Mama" but that's the only word that's recognizable. In March of 2008 I moved in with my mother to take care of her. My wife went out to California. My mom became April's new "Mama". She really took to my mother. She was "Nana" but April couldn't say "Nana" so it was "Mama". After Mom passed away, April would look all through the house for her. If the bedroom door was closed, I would have to open it so she could check in there. She doesn't understand that "Nana" won't be coming back anymore.
Yesterday, I was watching the Red Sox game on TV. April was standing by the back door. I knew she wanted to go out. I told her: "After this inning I'll take you out". She started doing her dogtalk. The more I ignored her the more gibberish she would utter. I finally said: "Hey, I told you, after this inning." Then she said it. "Out". Plain as day. I said: "What did you say?" She said: "Out". So I took her out. I spent the rest of the day (in between innings) trying to get her to say "Daddy". No luck. Stubborn dog!

GROCERY SHOPPING

I hate going grocery shopping. But since I have been by myself, I have no choice. I try to follow the "rules", like making a list and not going shopping if I'm hungry. It doesn't matter. I always end up with a bunch of stuff that I really don't need or want that most of the time eventually ends up in the trash can.

I do most of my grocery shopping at the Wal-Mart Supercenter. They have the overall best prices and varieties. Plus everything is in one location. They even have a branch office of my bank and a McDonald's inside the store. Overall, it's the most convenient. I buy everything there, even drinking water. I refuse to drink tap water that smells like bleach. Just about the only thing I don't buy at Wal-Mart is meat. Their meat tends to be overpriced and not very good so I get meat at Winn-Dixie. Wal-Mart is open 24/7. You can find a parking spot close to the store if you go at 2AM but that's when they are restocking shelves and you end up with bruised shins from walking into flatcarts or you slip on broken down cardboard boxes. Their staff of cashiers and clerks is reduced also. If you need help, forget it.

One of the most dangerous segments of this adventure is getting past the front part of the store. The first thing I come to on the right is a huge display of fresh baked goods. Mmmmmm. It smells so good. Cakes, cookies, doughnuts, pies all at great prices. I try to look off to the left until I get by them. But then I have to stop looking to the left because, just past the checkout is freshly cooked chicken. Broiled, baked, fried, whole, pieces, wings, legs. It smells great. Well, there goes that "rule" because now I'm hungry. I wipe the drool from my chin and try to look straight ahead. Finally, I reach the safety of the fresh fruits and vegetables section. No danger here.

I have to be careful about what I buy. I can't eat anything with seeds or nuts. No rye bread (unless it's seedless), no popcorn, no cashews (my all time favorite). A lot of baked stuff has poppy seeds, caraway seeds, sesame seeds. These are all no-no's for me. I have to read all the packages to make sure they don't slip some seeds in there. I am also lactose intolerant. Dairy products for the most part are off limits. I can tolerate small amounts but that's all. And eggs give me irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). I can only handle hard boiled eggs. Fried, scrambled, poached or any other kind makes me crap uncontrollably which is a real problem unless I am within three feet of a toilet, preferably closer. Since it's only me I'm shoppng for, I try to get the small sizes. This limits the amount of leftovers I have which usually go in the trash after three weeks in the fridge. Making spaghetti, which I love, is a problem. I end up eating it for three days since it's near impossible to make a single portion. The canned stuff is tomato soup added to noodles and it sucks.

It seems there is a "Carl" trap on the end of every aisle. Stuff at a terrific price that I just can't resist. I don't need it. I don't want it. But for that price, I have to buy it. Most of that stuff will eventually end up in the trash. Anyways, I finally complete my shopping and head to the check out. I have a cart full of stuff not on my list and I am missing several items that were (which means I'll have to come back). I start putting the stuff up on the conveyor belt. Naturally by now all the frozen stuff has started defrosting, and soon the belt is one huge puddle. As the cashier scans each item, she looks at it, and then looks at me. It's making me uneasy. Usually they don't say anything, but one cashier asked me if I lived alone. When I said yes she said I thought so. So the check out is done and the cashier tells me the damage. $163! For this little bit? She refuses to negotiate. If I was paying cash, this is the point where I would be putting stuff back. But I have my check card.

I go out to the car and load everything that will fit in the trunk. The rest of the stuff goes in the back seat. By this time it is nearly 4AM. I had to do it all in the dark because neither the trunk light nor the dome light would work. I get in and turn the ignition key. Nothing. I look at the headlight knob. It's on.........and has been since 2AM. I hate grocery shopping.

DEPRESSION

This is my all-time favorite TV advertisement. I'm sure most of you have seen it. It starts off with a guy sitting on a park bench.

The narrator says:
"If you're still feeling depressive symptoms even after your doctor has changed your antidepressant, or made adjustments to your dose, ask if adding Abilify to your antidepressant could be right for you."

Then the guy says:
"My antidepressant isn't treating all my symptoms. I'm still a little depressed. (sigh)"

The narrator says:
"Ask your health care professional about the option of adding Abilify. Abilify is used as an add-on treatment to an antidepressant for the treatment of depressive disorders."

The rest of the ad describes what could happen to you if you take this crap:

"Abilify may increase suicidal thoughts or behaviors." (Suicide would cure your depression, wouldn't it?)
"Allergic reactions range from rash, hives and itching to difficulty breathing, tightness in chest, and swelling of the mouth, face, lips or tongue." (Yeah, but you wouldn't be depressed.....)
"Serious side effects may include: increased risk of stroke and ministroke, very high fever, rigid muscles, shaking, confusion, sweating, or increased heart rate and blood pressure. These may be signs of a rare side effect which could be fatal. Abnormal or uncontrollable movements of the face, tongue, or other parts of the body which could become permanent." (Next time you see a guy in convulsions on the street, ask him if he took Abilify) "Increase in blood sugar levels, in some cases serious and associated with coma or death." (Death cures depression.) "Lightheadedness or fainting caused by sudden changes in blood pressure or heart rate when rising quickly from a sitting or prone position. (Not the greatest thing to have happen to you when the cop says: Step out of the vehicle, sir.) Decreases in white blood cells." (Hmmm...I think I'll just put up with the depression. But wait, there's more)

"Abilify can affect your judgment, thinking or motor skills. You should not drive or operate hazardous machinery until you know how Abilify will affect you. Abilify can impact your body's ability to reduce body temperature. You should avoid overheating and dehydration. Abilify has been associated with swallowing problems. While taking Abilify, avoid drinking alcohol and breast-feeding an infant." (Damn, my two favorite activities)
"Most common side effects include: Nausea, vomitting, constipation, headache, dizziness, an inner sense of restlessness or need to move, anxiety, insomnia and restlessness. It is important to contact your healthcare professional if you experience prolonged, abnormal muscle spasms or contractions." (Maybe that white guy isn't trying to dance after all. Maybe he took Abilify)

The obvious question: Why would anyone take this stuff? Personally, I'd just put up with the depression.

RELIGION

9/11.  Attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon kill 3,000 people. Attacks carried out by Arab terrorists in the name of Islam. Islam.........a religion. It caused me to do some thinking. Some thinking about all the suffering and death that religion and religious beliefs have caused humankind. All the death and destruction in the name of religion.

From the beginning of man's history, religious belief has caused suffering and death. Surely, the caveman that refused to bow down to the tribe's holy totem was thrown off a cliff or into a fire. Offending the gods was punishable by death. Early Chrisitians were thrown to the lions. During the crusades, millions of Muslims and Jews and other "non-believers" were slaughtered. Cities were burned to the ground. All in the name of religion. The Jews have been persecuted constantly just because they were Jews. The Nazis killed over six million of them. Thousands of people died during the Spanish Inquisition. All in the name of religion. The Mayans, Aztecs and Incans all made human sacrifices to their gods. The Japanese conducted human wave attacks and kamikaze raids, willing to sacrifice their lives for the emperor.....their living god. Cult leaders have been able to get people to kill themselves or others; Jonestown, Waco, the Tate/Bianca murders. All because of religious beliefs.

Some religions advocate the death and destruction of "non-believers". Religious texts refer to these heretics as dogs and infidels. Some branches of Christianity preach that those that believe in and accept Jesus Christ as their lord and saviour will have everlasting life. All others will perish and be cast into a lake of fire for all eternity. In another religion, a person that blows himelf up along with 70 other people in a crowded marketplace is a martyr. He will instantly find himself in paradise. In some religions, if you marry a non-believer you can be stoned to death for adultery; if you convert to another religion and refuse to renounce that religion, you can be hanged.

We are told what to believe and how to worship by our religious leaders. Yet they sexually molest young children and are caught with prostitutes in seedy motel rooms. Ordaining female ministers in one religion resulted in many churches breaking away from that religion. In another, female priests are automatically excommunicated. Few religions condone homosexuality, being gay is a sin. The supreme being is portrayed as vain and vengeful. "Worship me or suffer eternal damnation." I believe that if there is a god, he is kind and loving with arms open to all. I cannot believe that the little boy in China is doomed because he has Buddha on his dresser. I cannot believe that the 68% of the world's population that don't recognize the Chrisitian god are doomed. I can't believe that all the people that aren't Muslims are doomed. But this is what religion teaches.

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may think I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
----John Lennon

INSURANCE

Are you a gambler? No? Do you have any kind of an insurance policy? Yes? Then you are a gambler. You are betting that something will happen. The insurance company is betting that it won't (at least not until you have made sufficient premium payments to cover the loss). You live in a house for 30 years. You pay about $1000 a year for house insurance. Nothing happens and the insurance company makes $30,000 off your ass. What a racket! Life insurance is the only game where you are sure to eventually win (sort of). The insurance company is betting that you will live for a long, long time. You are betting that you die soon. Either way, you never see the money; your beneficiary does. Beneficiaries should be made to pay the premiums, dontcha think? Fair is fair.

In 2004, four hurricanes hit Florida within two months. Damage was in the billions. Insurance companies took a hell of a beating. The small ones went bankrupt. The larger ones paid up and survived. The next year, many of them pulled out of Florida. "Nationwide is on your side". Not if you live in Florida, Jack. "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there." Oh yeah? "You're in good hands with Allstate." Not any more. Of course, they will all still sell you car insurance.

Car insurance. I love watching the ads on TV. "People who switched from Geico to Allstate saved an average of $473 a year. Confused? Don't be." I'm not. You're lying. I have Geico. I pay $300 a year. So if I switch to Allstate, I save $473. My insurance is free. In fact, you will send me a check for $173. I don't think so. Every one of the car insurance companies say that you will save money if you switch to them. Obviously, all but one of them is lying out their ass. Geico is the only one telling the truth.

I have had Geico, whenever possible, 1975 -1981 and 1990 until now. Overseas from 1981 to 1989, I either didn't have a vehicle or Geico wasn't available. When I got stationed in Hawaii in 1989, Geico wasn't available so I got Allstate. Geico became available in Hawaii soon after. I had no accidents or tickets with Allstate. It was running me about $600 a year. When it was time to renew, the renewal notice said Allstate was forced to raise it's rates because of increased claims. Not from me, buddy. Well, I thought, okay, it's a business and they have to recoup losses. But then I saw this Allstate ad campaign on TV. "So your driving record is less than perfect. It's okay. You're welcome at Allstate." Huh? They are actively recruiting bad drivers. They raise my rates to pay for their bad drivers? That did it. I didn't renew with Allstate. I got a Geico policy. Cost: about $300 a year and it has stayed that way nearly 20 years.

Last but not least is medical insurance. The insurance company is betting you won't get sick too much, you are betting you will. Most people have to pay a monthly premium for this coverage. They usually get it from their employment and pay between $150 and $200 (or more) per month for family coverage. Depending on what kind of coverage they have, they make reduced payment for medical services and prescription drugs. Most plans have co-payments and deductibles. I probably have one of the best medical coverages and I pay no premiums. As retired military I get Tricare. Deductible is $150 per person, or $300 family annually (fiscal year Oct - Oct). After the deductible is met, Tricare pays 75% of allowable costs (you have to be sure your doctor or hospital is a network provider which means they accept the allowable cost limit set by Tricare. Otherwise you are responsible for the excess). Generic prescription drugs are $3.00, brand name is $9.00. I usually only pay $15.41 out of pocket for a doctor visit. Recently, I had to go to a walk-in clinic. They didn't accept Tricare. Knock me over with a feather. Everyone takes Tricare. Not them. So I said okay. I told them I was having an attack of diverticulitis and I needed a prescription for Levaquin. They took me back to the treatment room. The doctor came in. He said in broken English: "You have diverticulitis. I'm giving you a prescription for Levaquin." 90 bucks for that. Oh, well, they took my temperature and blood pressure, too.

TODAY'S ECONOMY

Today's economy sucks. It truly sucks. How do I know? Well, I can give you some examples. Back in the early days of McDonald's, their ad campaign went like this: "You can get a burger, fries and a drink and still get change back from a dollar." Today it's: "Now accepting major credit cards."

Gasoline prices? Heh. I used to drive an extra two miles to the self-service station to get gas for 23 cents a gallon rather than pay 26 cents at the Texaco station. Of course, I had to pump it myself and no neatly dressed attendant came out to check my oil and water, clean my windshield, and give me a snappy salute as I drove off. "You can trust your car to the man that wears the star.....the big red Texaco star." I remember my dad would pull in the station and tell the guy: "Give me a bucks worth." Today, that might get you home. Back then you thought nothing of saying: "Fill it up." Today, you might have to take out a loan.

Sandwich bread was two for 29 cents. I get the same size at the discount bread store for $1.60 and half the time it's day old. You can tell from the color code of the plastic tie. (I used to work for Continental Baking Company (Wonder Bread), so I know). A cold 8 ounce bottle of Coke from a machine was 5 cents. From a vending machine nowadays, it's a dollar or more. And vending machines back then only had coin slots, no dollar bill slots. What's that tell you? Brand name cigarettes were $2.00 or less for a carton. The only brands you can get under $50 a carton now are generics. Milk was delivered to your house at about 30 cents a quart. Now, drive to Wal-Mart and get it for $1.29. (Don't forget to figure in the gas you just used).

List price on a 1964 Mustang was $1594. They are now worth $20,000 or more restored. So if you still got yours you can trade it in along with about $5,000 more for a new Toyota. Back in 1968 you could get a nice furnished three room apartment for $30 a week. (I know, I had one). Try about $30 a day now unfurnished ($900 a month). In some cities that will get you a room. Back then you had three choices for TV: ABC, NBC, or CBS. If you didn't like what was on, you played a game or read a book. (Read a book?) But it was free. Today, you can get over 500 channels at over $100 per month. But how many of these channels do I actually watch? Well, ABC, NBC, and CBS.......mostly. If I want to watch a recent movie I have to pay extra.

It might sound to everyone that I would rather live in the past. Well, no. Look at all the great stuff we have today that wasn't around back then. I wouldn't want to give up all that. But here's the problem. Wages have not kept up with expenses. Let's do the math. Take bread for example. Back then 15 cents a loaf; today $1.60.....over ten times more. Minimum wage back in 1965 was $1.25 an hour (No kidding). At the same ten to one ratio, today's minimum wage should be $12.50 an hour. Is it? NOPE!! It's about half that. I rest my case. Today's economy sucks.

DR. KERVORKIAN

Eleven years ago, if you picked up a newspaper or watched the evening news, all they talked about was Dr. Kervorkian's assisted suicides and President Clinton's sexual adventures and the impeachment proceedings. My technicians here at Sicko Inc. managed to hide a tape recorder in Dr. Kervorkian's office:

"Dr. Kervorkian's office. The doctor is out on a suicide right now. No, sir, we don't have any payment plans available. It's payment up front. I'm afraid half now and half later would not be acceptable to the doctor. Thank you for calling."

"Dr. Kervorkian's office. No, it has to be a suicide. They must push the button on the death machine themselves. No, we can't kill him and make it look like a suicide. Well, I don't blame you for asking. Alright, Mrs. Clinton. Thank you for calling."

"Dr. Kervorkian's office. Your dying earns us a living. Oh....hello, doctor. I just now made it up. No, I don't think it's funny. I was getting a little bored. Yes, I realize business is slow. I know we don't get referrals....right, or repeat customers, either. Okay, okay. I'll try to be more businesslike. I'm forwarding your messages now, doctor. How's the Benson suicide going? She won't push the button? Can't her family talk her into it? Not so far, huh? The son pretended to fall against the machine and then tried to push the button with his elbow but he missed? Ha ha. I'm sorry. But, that's a new one. I told you a black button with a skull and crossbones imprinted on it might be a turn off. A soft pastel button labeled 'Heavenly Bliss' would work better. Okay, doctor, see you later."

"Suicide hotline. Boy did you get a wrong number! Ha ha. Just kidding. This is Dr. Kervorkian's office. Yes, the method is quite painless. How do I know? Well, for one thing we haven't had any complaints. Okay, okay. Seriously, you'll be dead. What are you going to say? 'Crap, that really hurt!' It's quite simple. You press the button and then you croak. No, not like a frog. You die, you moron! When you press the button it releases a lethal chemical into the IV line. It's stuck in your arm. No, you're lying on a gurney. It's a stretcher with wheels. You lose consciousness almost immediately. Yes, at that moment you are still breathing but not for long. Next, your body goes into convulsions. Huh? Your arms and legs flail around, you shake all over, only the whites of your eyes show, and you foam at the mouth. Drool, you jerk! Then the poison reaches your heart and stops it. Yes, at that point it's too late to change your mind. You exhale your final breath, your body goes limp, and your bowels and bladder empty. You crap and pee yourself, you stupid idiot! God damn, you're dumb! Yes, you are completely dead. The doctor will examine you and announce: 'This guy is frigging dead. Next!' Yes, there is a fee for this. $2500. Yes, you dummy, you have to pay first. Look, I'll make you a deal. I'll pay your fee if you let me watch. Well, screw you, too! Hello....hello....dickhead!"

"Dr. Kervorkian's office. Who? No, this isn't the president. Oh, you're the president. Hello, Mr. President. Hey, that took some really big balls, confessing and all. Mrs. Clinton sounded really pissed. Huh? A few minutes ago when she called. No, sir, like I told her, we can't do anything like that. The person has to push the button themselves. We could get into big trouble. Yes, I know you are the goddamn president. A pardon? How do we know you would? We can take your word for it? You never lie? Well, even then, we still have a very strict policy that the victim...er...patient, must have an incurable and terminal disease or affliction. Anthrax? That would qualify. From Iraq, huh? You know this guy over there? No! No! I can't believe I'm discussing this. It's totally out of the question. Mr. President, you'll just have to get the CIA or someone else to kill Hillary. Not Hillary? Who have we been talking about here? I see.... Kenneth Starr, Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones, a secret service agent, some Arkansas state troopers, Peter Jennings, Dan Rather, Hugh Downs, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Dennis Miller.....yes, I'm getting all of this. Go on, Mr. President......."