SHUTTLE

Those of us that live in Florida get to watch the shuttle launches. Most spectacular are the night time launches. I don't get to see the actual blastoff but if I look to the Southeast I can see the night turned into day. After a few seconds the shuttle comes into view spewing flames. All the dogs in the neighborhood go nuts as the whole sky glows yellow. Standing in my backyard, I can watch the shuttle for several minutes as it arcs across the sky. At last the flames of the exhaust are no longer visible and it looks like a moving bright star. And then, it is gone. But it got me to thinking about STS-95. That's the shuttle mission that took Senator John Glenn back into space. There was a lot of discussion at the time because of his advanced age but thankfully all went well. Heh, but you know me. What if things hadn't gone as planned?

"5-4-3-2-1 Liftoff! We have the launch of STS-95, America's ninety-fifth shuttle mission carrying six astronaut heroes and an American legend. Goodspeed, John Glenn."
"You mean 'Godspeed'."
"No. I'd say he was making pretty good speed."
"This is launch control. How's it going, senator?"
"Launch control, I swallowed my damn dentures and I crapped myself. Project Mercury was nothing compared to the thrust this thing puts out. But anyways, Q-OK."
"That's A-OK, senator."
"Oh yeah. It's been a long time. I can't remember things so good anymore."
"How long have you had that problem?"
"What problem?"
"With your memory."
"And who are you anyways?"
"Launch control."
"Oh yeah, I remember. Hey, once we get into orbit I want to change. Where are the Depends?"
"Depends? Errr.....we'll get back to you on that. Hang on, senator, the shuttle commander is on my other earpiece. Huh? No, commander, it is not a valid reason to abort. Well, breathe through your oxygen masks and it won't be so bad. Don't exaggerate! The fumes are not peeling the paint off the control panels. He's going to change when you reach orbit if we can figure out where we stored the Depends. No, you won't all be dead by then!! Sheeesh! Talk at ya later. Okay, senator, I'm back. We'll let you know about the Depends."
"Will I be able to change?"
"Well that Depends! Ha ha! Yuk Yuk! (I couldn't resist)."
"Huh?"
"Senator, take a nap."
"Launch control this is Mission control."
"Go ahead, Houston."
"We are ready to assume control of the mission."
"Roger. You are go for control. Ah, one thing. It seems that the senator soiled himself so he needs to change, but we don't know where the Depends are."
"Ask the adult diaper control and distribution technician."
"Get me the Depends technician!"
"I am here, senor."
"Pablo?? I thought you were the technician that sweeps up the delta rocket debris."
"Si, but things are slow so now I take care of the diapers, too."
"Okay, okay. Where did you put the Depends?"
"Senor, they are right over there in the corner. Do you see the large cardboard boxes?"
"Houston we have a problem!"
'We heard. We'll get right on it. We have the con."
"Roger, launch control signing off."
"Okay, guys. Here's the deal. We have to make two dozen adult diapers using only material that they have on board the shuttle. Get on it. And gentlemen, failure is not an option (Ed Harris gave us some great lines)."
"Houston we have a problem!"
"Tom, is that you?"
"No, this is John Glenn. Who are you?"
"Ed Harris. You sounded just like Hanks. Gotta go."
"Huh? Houston we have a problem!"
"Go, shuttle."
"Who's this?"
"Scott Carpenter."
"Scott. This is John Glenn. How are you doing? How are the wife and kids? I'm going to run for president after this."
"Senator, you said you had a problem."
"Noooooooo.......I don't think so. G-OK you know."
"That's A-OK. Houston out."
"Houston we have a problem!"
"Go, shuttle."
"There's a red light flashing!"
"Which one?"
"I don't know."
"Look at the console!"
"Oh yeah, there it is. Pretty color."
"Which one is it?"
"I can't remember."
"Look at the label!"
"It's peeled off. All the labels are crinkling up and peeling off. I can't tell what anything is."
"Try to remember what that light is for!"
"I think it means danger."
"No screaming eagle poop, senator! We know that! Which one is blinking?"
"I'm not going to talk to you, young man, if you use that tone of voice."
"Sorry. Look, senator.......John. Do you remember which section of the console it's on?"
"I think it's the fuel section."
"Good, now we're getting somewhere!"
"The other astronauts are yelling at me!"
"What are they yelling?"
"I can't understand them. They're all still wearing their oxygen masks. Something about pushing a button."
"What button?"
"I can't understand them!"
"Think, senator! What warning light is this?"
"I....I.....I got it! Fuel valve open."
"Push the yellow button! Push the yellow button!"
"Stop it! Now you're yelling at me, too. I'm so confused! Where's the yellow button?"
"Push the yellow button, John, NOW!!!!!"
"Yellow button??"
"Shuttle this is Houston."
"Shuttle this is Houston."
"Shuttle....comm check."
"Shuttle......Houston. How do you read?"
"Any luck?"
"Nope, haven't heard a thing for twenty minutes."

"IN THE DAYS FOLLOWING THE TERRIBLE SHUTTLE TRAGEDY, NASA HAS STUCK TO IT'S GUNS THAT THE EXPLOSION WAS DUE TO MECHANICAL FAILURE ALONE.
IGNORING ACCUSATIONS OF A COVERUP, THEY CONTINUE TO INSIST THAT THIS DISASTER WAS IN NO WAY THE RESULT OF ANY ACTION OR INACTION ON THE PART OF THE ASTRONAUTS NOR DID THE ADVANCED AGE OF JOHN GLENN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT, DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY. NASA WILL CONTINUE TO RECRUIT SENIOR CITIZENS FOR THE SPACE PROGRAM AS THEY HAVE DEMONSTRATED THAT THEY HAVE THE 'RIGHT STUFF'.
THIS IS TED KOPPELL REPORTING FROM WASHINGTON."

FOUNDING FATHERS

What if the founding fathers had the foresight to include oral sex as an impeachable offense in the constitution; or had even discussed it? What might that have been like?

"Mr. Jefferson has the floor."
"Yes, well, thank you. Gentlemen, as I was saying, besides bribery, treason, and abuse of power, perhaps we should include oral sex as an impeachable offense."
"Oral sex?"
"Yes, Ben."
"Giving or receiving, Mr. Jefferson?"
"Well, most certainly receiving, Mr. Handcock - is it?"
"What is oral sex?"
"Ben, you aren't married, are you?"
"No."
"Ever been with a woman?
"No."
"A man?"
"No. I had this little mouse once that..."
"Never mind. Hey, why aren't you wearing your 'I'm a frigging idiot' sign?"
"I thought it was degrading so.....actually I lost it."
"You lost it? You know we want you to always wear it to remind us to talk down to you."
"Yes, but I'm not a frigging idiot!"
"Ben, do you fly a kite during lightening storms?"
"Well, yes, but that's so..."
"And did you spend $1100 of our money for a bell we can't use because it has a big-ass crack in it?
"Well, yes, but..."
"Ben, you're a frigging idiot! Get another sign and put it on."
"From where?"
"Well, I don't know. They hand them out at Supreme Court Justice confirmation hearings, don't they?"
"I think so."
"Good. Now, Mr. Handcock, you had asked 'giving or receiving'? You know that's a very interesting name you have......"
"It's Hancock, without the 'd'. But just call me John."
"Hmmm. John Hancock. Has a bit of pizzazz to it. Ever thought about going into the insurance business?"
"I shovel manure."
"You had a very nice, bold signature on the Declaration of Independence. Totally pissed off the Brits."
"It wasn't my fault. I didn't get a chance to wash my hands and the quill kept slipping."
"Oh, well. Anyways, I suggest we make it 'receiving' and leave the 'giving' part of it vague, so that....."
"Yeah, vague, like most of the crap in this constitution. Vague, so no one can understand it. Vague, so the Supreme Court has to meet to interpret it. Vague, so a whole new category of law - Constitutional Law - has to be invented just to deal with it. Thomas, you need to wear a 'frigging idiot' sign yourself!"
"George, sit down and shut up or I'll knock your wooden teeth down your throat!"
"Yeah? And I'll shove that powdered wig up your ass! And one more thing, what's so wrong about me, I mean, the President, receiving oral sex in the White House?"
"Because George, Mr. President, in one of my visions I foresaw that many years from now, because it wasn't clearly stated in the constitution, a U.S President received oral sex in the oval office of the White House and it created a big problem."
"What's the oval office?"
"It's the President's office in the White House."
"What's the White House?
"We haven't built it yet. It will be the President's home."
"What's oral sex?"
"Good lord. Alright, Ben. Come hear and I'll whisper it in your ear."
"Oh my God! Really! You're messing with me, right?"
"No, Ben, that's what it is."
"Doesn't it hurt?"
"No. Unless she bites down."
"She?"
"Or he."
"And then you pee in her mouth?"
"Not if you enjoy living."
"Well what then?"
"Haven't you ever masturbated, Ben?"
"Master who?"
"You do it in her mouth."
"Huh?"
"Oh, Thomas, not if you promised not to."
"Yeah. Okay. Right, John. Not if you promised you wouldn't. Otherwise she's liable to do a Lorena Bobbitt on you."
"Who's that?"
"Never mind. I saw it in a vision."
"I don't understand."
"It's okay, Ben. Put your sign on and go sit down."
"You know, Thomas, I met with the French last week. When they saw my sign they all went and got signs that said 'so are we' so I wouldn't feel bad. Wasn't that nice?"
"Yes, Ben, and not surprising either. Go sit down. Where were we?"
"Leaving the 'giving' part vague."
"Yes, thank you, John. It is more blessed to give than to receive..."
"Who said that?"
"I think it's anonymous."
"Oh good. I want to use it in my almanac."
"Ben, please! Anyways, some day there may be a female president in which case the 'giving' would apply, or conceivably it might be necessary for a male president to give oral sex....."
"Now, wait just a minute......!"
"...To a foreign dignitary......"
"...Your ass, Thomas......!"
"...Or even a congressman..."
"Screw you!! No one told me about this!"
"...In order to gain support for some global or domestic program."
"Kiss my ass!! I ain't giving no man oral sex!!"
"George, what is it? For Christ sakes. I'm just theorizing here to make sure we cover all the bases."
"Bases?"
"It's a baseball term, Ben."
"Baseball?"
"I saw it in a vision."
"You and your visions!! I ain't giving no oral sex!!"
"Relax, George. As president, you can delegate it."
"To whom?"
"I don't know........the Secretary of State."
"Wanna be my Secretary of State?"
"No, George I don't. But that reminds me of a vision I had. More then 200 hundred years from now we will have our first black president....."
"What? You're crazy!"
"Thank God I won't see it."
"I knew we should have made it 'white men only are created equal'. Now look what's gonna happen."
"All you bigots sit down and shut up! As it turns out, this president's Secretary of State will be Hillary Clinton so he will have to perform his own oral sex."

EXODUS

Just about everyone knows the story of the Exodus; when Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt and into the Promised Land. But it didn't go quite as smoothly as we are led to believe from the Bible, Church, Sunday School or whatever:

"God! Hey God! Where the hell is he. Never around when I need him."
"MOSES!!!"
"Damn, what's with the burning bush. You scared the crap out of me. Jesus!!"
"Not born yet."
"Huh?"
"Never mind. I use the burning bush because you cannot look upon my divine radiance. It would melt the flesh right off your face."
"Yeah, well, the burning bush is giving me second degree burns."
"Don't stand so close. You'll still be able to hear me."
"Yeah, no kidding. How come you use that loud voice anyway?"
"I don't think people would pay attention if I used my regular voice"
"Let me hear your regular voice."
"Okay, this is my regular voice......"
"Mwahahahaha!!! You sound like Mike Tyson. Hee hee. No wonder you have to use all that bass and the booming echo. Mwahahahaha......."
"MOSES!!!!!"
"Ow, stop with the thunderclap already. You made my ears bleed."
"You have sinned against me! Thou shalt not mock the Lord thy God!"
"Where does it say that?"
"It will. I haven't written it up yet. (Note to self: Make that one of the Commandments)."
"Anyways, where have you been?"
"First you have to pray to me."
"I don't know any prayers. Let's see: Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes-Benz......"
"Never mind! (Note to self: Write them some prayers.)"
"So, where were you? I been calling you for over an hour."
"I was burying dinosaur bones on Mt. Everest."
"Why would you do that?"
"I want to screw with future archaeologists."
"That will do it, alright."
"Yup, they'll be messed up for years trying to figure that one out. How did things go with the Pharaoh? Will he let my people go?"
"Don't you know? You're supposed to be omnipotent and all that."
"I want to hear it from you."
"Things didn't work out like you planned. I threw my rod on the ground and it turned into a serpent like you said. They weren't impressed. Their main magician did the same thing with his rod and his serpent ate ours."
"Ewwwww, what did you do?"
"Well, I asked for my rod back, you know, because I needed it for my other tricks; but they wouldn't give it to me."
"Oh no."
"Then these Penn and Teller guys came out and performed a whole bunch of magic tricks. I cheered and laughed right along with the rest of the crowd. The Pharaoh thought I was an alright guy so he let me have my rod back but he said he wouldn't let your people go."
"Then what happened?"
"Well, the damn stick was all slimy from being in the other snake so I dipped it in the Nile to wash it off."
"No. No. That was supposed to be way later. Did it change the water to blood red?"
"Yes...well no...actually Burgundy. In fact, it was burgundy. The Egyptians started drinking it and after awhile they were drunk and passed out. I had to wait until they woke up before I could continue with the other tricks and the plagues."
"And then......?"
"None of the other tricks impressed them. Pharaoh still said no. So I started with the plagues. First, the locusts."
"Great! Eat up all the crops, starve them out. Then he'll let my people go."
"Not quite. They flew overhead and kept right on going. Who gave them the directions, anyway?"
"I did. So it didn't work?"
"Nope, and now you got about a million pissed off and hungry Abyssinians to worry about. They have returned to worshipping their golden idols. And your own people are pissed, too."
"Why?"
"That thing with the goat blood on the doors. Was that your idea?"
"Well, me and the angel of death."
"Did you consider what would happen to the goat blood in this Egyptian heat? Did you think about the smell, the flies, the Egyptians pointing and laughing, our kids being picked on at school, the......."
"MOSES!!!"
"Ow! I told you about that thunderclap....."
"Okay, sorry. We had to go with the goat blood. We couldn't think of anything else. The angel of death didn't have an address book. It's the best we could do on short notice. He had to know which houses to passover."
"Well, it didn't work."
"Why not?"
"Once the Egyptians realized that the first born was dying in each unmarked house, they got goat blood and marked their own doors."
"Get the angel of death! Tell him he blew it. He has to go back."
"It's too late for that now. All you've managed to do is piss off a bunch of goats."
"Did any of the plagues work?"
"No."
"Not even the frogs?"
"The French restaurants grabbed them all up."
"Damn! Well, I'm fresh out of ideas. I'll just have to give the promised land to someone else. How'd you guys get into this mess anyway?"
"You think this is bad? You think this is oppression, prejudice, denial of our human rights? This is nothing compared to what the Nazis will put us through in World War II."
"Who? What?"
"Never mind. Look, God. I have an idea. We'll just sneak away. You can guide us at night with a pillar of fire and by day with a cloud. You lead us to the promised land."
"I don't know. I'm kind of busy. I got that Abyssinian thing to deal with and....."
"Why don't you just *POOF* us to the promised land?"
"I don't work like that. You'll have to walk. But how will you get across the Red Sea?"
"Dammit!! You're God. You can do anything. Just part the waters and we'll walk across."
"I'll have to check the tide tables. It's gonna take you guys forty years, you know."
"Forty years? Walking through the blistering hot desert for forty years? Okay, okay. The things I have to do to get to the promised land. Sheesh."
"You aren't going."
"What? What do you mean I'm not going? After all this crap, I can't go?"
"You're going to die before you get there."
"Is this your idea of a sick joke?"
"I need you here with me."
"Doing what?"
"Well, I don't know. All the important jobs are taken. But, I'll think of something."
"Well, that's messed up!!"
"Oh, one more thing. I want you to climb Mt. Sinai before you die."
"That does it! That's the last straw. I'm sorry I was ever born into this world. I'm sorry you picked me for this. I'm sorry I threw away my golden idol. I'm sorry......"
"MOSES!!!!!"
"What??!! Now I suppose you'll turn me into a pillar of salt."
"No. But that's a good one. Have to store that away for future use. You've given me some ideas for some laws that I need to make."
"Oh?"
"Yes. I'll write them on these huge stone tablets and give them to you on Mt. Sinai. Then you can carry them to the bottom and give them to the promised ones."
"Whoa! Wait a minute! These stone tablets have got to weigh at least a hundred pounds each. I'm an old man. I'm 180 I think. How can I carry those? Why not give them to me at the bottom? Those things will kill me............"
"We all gotta go sometime. Well, you mortals anyway. Look if you don't want to do it. I can get someone else. I can get Aaron..........or maybe that Charlton Heston guy (he was so good as Ben-Hur). It'll change history, but what the hell."
"Okay, okay. I'll do it but you're going to owe me."
"I'll tell you the secret of the pyramids."
"You mean how they were built? I watched, remember?"
"How about if you just come to heaven? You don't have to go through the dying routine."
"You mean I just rise up? With the sky all glowing, angels singing and blowing a fanfare on their horns, you holding my hand as we enter through the gates of heaven, people below cheering..........?"
"MOSES!!! Don't push it."

TITANIC

We all know that the Titanic sank in April 1912. Many have puzzled over how this tragedy could have occurred. This should clear up the mystery.

"Is there anything else, Pete?"
"Yes, my lord. We have one item under the 'greater than Thee' category."
"Oh Christ!"
"Yes, father?"
"No, no son. It's just an expression."
"Oh."
"Alright, Pete. What is it? By the way, who's watching the gate?"
"I left Michael and Gabriel out there."
"Michael? Oh yeah, the one that looks like that Travolta fellow."
"Anyway, God, it seems there's this new ship that the mortals claim is unsinkable. One newspaper even printed that God himself couldn't sink the Titanic."
"Jesus Christ!"
"Yes, father?"
"Just another expression, son. (He must get that from his mother)."
"(Crap, he never summons me. In fact, since that thing with the cross, he's virtually ignored me. I think I'll give Lucifer a call..........)."
"Careful, son. You know I can see into your mind, too. Such a burden! I can never be surprised. Anyway, Pete, you were saying....?"
"Well, my lord, this blatant disdain for your almighty power can't go unpunished. I recommend drastic action!"
"What? I should sink it?"
"It's only gonna get worse. This new flight craze already has them writing stuff like 'soaring into the nether and touching the very face of God."
"Oh Jesus! Shhhhhh son. Don't say it. Haven't they ever heard that if I wanted them to fly I would have given them wings? Last week one of them just about run over poor old Clarence. He had to go change his robe."
"So, God, what are you going to do?"
"I guess I'll have to sink it. What's it doing?"
"Well, so far not much. Just sea trials and stuff. It's due for it's maiden voyage in April."
"Hmmm..........Not much time. I'll just take it out with a lightening bolt. Zappppp! Kapow!!!!!!!! End of story!"
"Nope, too suspicious. They'd know for sure it was you."
"Well, what's it's route?"
"North Atlantic."
"We got any big ice bergs out there?"
"Several."
"Good, have it hit an ice berg and sink. Anything else?"
"Well, there's more to it than that. A lot of people will die."
"Give them two hours before it sinks."
"There aren't enough life boats for everyone. Remember, they think this ship is unsinkable."
"Well surely they have life jackets, right?"
"They wouldn't survive fifteen minutes in the water. It's 10 below."
"Impossible, Pete. It would be ice."
"It's saltwater, sir."
"Oh yeah, I forgot. Okay, what kind of a death toll are we looking at here?"
"About 1500."
"Oh my God! (heh, heh. No answer.) Whew, they are going to be pissed at me. No. no. I'm God and I say nobody dies."
"We can't avoid it. It would be too suspicious if it sank without a huge loss of life."
"Okay, okay. But I don't want to have to face all those souls when they get here. Can't we warm up the water a bit?"
"Not enough time for that. And again it would look suspicious. A lot of them still blame you for that worldwide flood....you know.....the Noah plan."
"Yeah, they never did buy that 'sewers backing up' crap. But see, they were all sinners. I didn't have to face any of them. They just went straight to hell. Even the animals. Boy was Lucifer pissed off. Ha! Ha! He had no contingency plan for that many all at once. It took him months to set up housing."
"Look, God, can we get on with this?"
"Uh Uh Uh. Watch your tone, Pete, unless you'd prefer a warmer climate."
"Sorry. Okay, look. Here's a copy of the passenger list. You can decide which ones will die."
"Good idea. Let's see. Ooooh look! Millionaires! Gone, good-bye, outta here, seeya. Hmmmmmm. Okay. All fornicaters, all blasphemers. What else? Most of 2nd and 3rd class. Most of the men. Eeeny Meeny Miney Mo........You can live........You have to go. How are we doing?"
"Just about there. Oh look. The ship's designer will be on board."
"Add him to the list. That will be a nice touch. Irony and all that......yuk yuk! Gee, I feel like a....a.....a.....reverse Schindler."
"Okay that does it. 1511 people."
"Hmmmm, let's see your list. I see you have a lot of children here."
"Sinners, God. You think it's bad now? Wait till the 1990's."
"Hmmm. Oh great! This is working out better than I thought. Astor, Vanderbilt, Leonardo DiCapprio...."
"Our latest vision of the sinking shows the ship's orchestra playing 'Nearer My God To Thee' on the open deck."
"I hate that tune. Make sure they are on the list. You know, someday a movie will be made of this disaster and it will be the greatest box office success of all time."
"That's pretty morbid, God."
"Ah, go to hell."
**POOF**
"Oh crap! I didn't mean it. It was just an expression. Damn! Get him back! Someone get Lucifer on the horn. Tell him it was a mistake."

PRICELINE

"Priceline. How may I help you today?"
"Hello. I'd like to get an airline ticket and name my own price."
"Where do you want to go?"
"Daytona Beach to San Francisco."
"What is your price?"
"Oh, I don't know......say twenty bucks."
"One moment please....."
"He put me on hold. hmmmm. nice music.....I think it's the theme frome 'Airplane'."
"Okay, sir. For twenty dollars we can't get you a jet. It will be a propellor driven aircraft."
"Well, that's okay. It'll take a lot longer but for only twenty dollars, who cares? Just as long as it's a reputable airline and safe."
"It's Jack's Plane Rental."
"Ewwwwww! Well I guess it's okay as long as the pilot is experienced."
"The best student pilot Embry-Riddle has. Guaranteed to have at least twenty hours solo with no more than three landing mishaps."
"Ouch! I think I better go with a regular airline."
"The cheapest I have is an additional $100.00 and it will still be a prop job."
"I can live with that. What kind of a seat can I get?"
"We can give you a wing seat."
"Oh bummer, I won't be able to look down at the ground."
"I think you could if you just leaned forward a little bit but you'd have to be careful you didn't stick your face in the propellor blades."
"Huh??!! Oh, I get it.....wing seat. Uh uh. How much to fly inside the plane?"
"That would be another $100.00 making it $220.00 for your ticket."
"Well that's still pretty good. Could I get a window seat?"
"No, actually you'd be riding in the wheel well."
"I see. How much for a regular seat?"
"Another $50.00 making your ticket $270.00."
"Well, that still beats what my wife paid. How many pieces of luggage can I take?"
"Luggage? Sir, that would be another $50.00 making your ticket price $320.00."
"That's still below the lowest fares from the travel agencies. It's a long flight though. I hope they feed us......wait, stop......I know.....that will be another $50.00!"
"$70.00."
"Making the cost of my 'Name Your Own Price' plane ticket $390.00."
"Exactly, sir. What did your wife pay?"
"$400 and change."
"Ta-Da!! Priceline comes through again. Aren't you glad you called us?"
"Yeah, I guess so. I probably can't get a round trip plane ticket to San Francisco for less anywhere else."
"Round trip, sir?"

THE SAGA CONTINUES

Well, the Special Prosecutor has finished his report and now it has been submitted to the Judiciary Committee:

"This hearing will come to order. Please, let me have order. Thank you. Very well, then. The purpose of this hearing is to review the report of the Special Prosectuor, Kenneth Starr, to determine if the President, William Jefferson Clinton, has committed any impeachable offenses and if we determine that he has........then to make recommendations to the rest of congress as to whether impeachment measures should be pursued."
"Hang the bastard!"
"Mrs. Clinton, please!! We can all sympathize with how you must feel......but I warn you that if there are any further outbursts, I will be forced to have you removed from this chamber."
"But, I'm the First Lady......"
"Well, nowadays, it seems you are the first lady only if you get up really, really early. yuk. yuk. Alright! Alright! Order! Order! Let me have order!"
"Mr. Chairman."
"The chair recognizes the honorable gentleman from Utah.....er....Colorado.......Idaho......No, no. Don't tell me. Oregon? New Jersey? Florida? Okay, I give up. Tell me."
"Mississippi, Mr. Chairman."
"Oh, yeah. Right. The chair recognizes the honorable gentleman from Missouri."
"Mississippi."
"Whatever."
"I would like to direct the committee's attention to page 283 of the report, about halfway down where Ms. Lewinsky is testifying about the President's penis. I quote: Yes, I'd recognize it anywhere. It was crooked and......."
"It's just a little bent!"
"Mr. President, you aren't supposed to be in here. Who let you in? Master-At-Arms, I told you to watch the door. Why'd you let the President in?"
"I didn't know it was him. He said he was Phil Hartman."
"Phil Hartman is dead."
"He is?"
"Yes, his wife shot him."
"Good for her!"
"Mrs. Clinton, please!"
"Hi honey. Uh, don't believe everything you read. Starr used to write for the Enquirer, you know."
"Don't honey me! You're going down, Bill....and I don't mean on Monica. And you want to know something else? I've been seeing Kenneth Starr behind your back. We've done it in every room in the White House....even the Oral, I mean Oval Office."
"Hope you remembered to turn off the security cameras first, my dear."
"Security cameras?"
"Okay, that's enough you two. Master-At-Arms, escort the President out of the chamber. Mrs. Clinton, sit down and behave or you, too, will be escorted out."
"You're dead meat, Bill!"
"Love you, too, honey!"
"Order! Order! Get the President out of here. Okay, then. Just exactly what does that testimony about the President's penis have to do with an impeachable offense?"
"Uh, well, nothing I guess. I just thought it was kind of interesting, you know, that the President's penis is crooked...."
"It sure is. It's not just a little bit bent! Ha! Damn thing bends almost ninety degrees. Hell, he can probably do it around corners."
"Master-At-Arms! Throw out Mrs. Clinton!"
"I don't care! I know everything that's in that report. Hell, I helped Kenny write it."
"Okay, I can see we need some ground rules here. We will only, I repeat, only concern ourselves with testimony that is relative to an impeachable offense."
"Getting a blowjob in the Oval Office is not an impeachable offense??!!"
"No, it isn't. I'm sure the founding fathers would have included it if it had occurred to them."
"Hey, I can just imagine Thomas Jefferson: Oh, and one more thing besides bribery, treason and abuse of power. I think we should also include getting blowjobs in the Oval Office."
"Yeah, and old Ben Franklin saying: What's a blowjob?"
".......Ha! Ha! And then Jefferson tries to describe it...."
"....Or maybe there was a demonstration. Where was Betsty Ross during all of this?"
"I always wondered what those mysterious stains were on our first flag."
"Enough!! Order! Order! This committee will come to order!"
"You know, they say Congress was always very, very happy to see Martha Washington......."
"Master-At-Arms, remove the gentleman from Montana!"
"Mississippi."
"Yeah, him, too."
"Mr. Chairman."
"The chair recognizes the honorable gentleman from....."
"New York."
"I knew that. New York. I hope your remarks will be more pertinent then the other ones."
"Yes, Mr. Chairman. I direct the committee's attention to page 287: Bill grabbed my ears and yanked my head back and forth. His back was arched against the front of his desk. I licked and sucked as......."
"Enough! Enough! Stop! That has nothing to do with an impeachable offense!"
"Well, I, uh, I'm sorry. It's one of the passages that my staff highlighted."
"Perhaps you should have been more specific with your instructions."
"Mr. Chairman."
"What!!?? I mean, the chair recognizes the honorable gentleman from Illinois."
"Can we look at the blue dress?"
"No!"
"Mr. Chairman."
"The chair recognizes.........ah, screw it! What do you want?"
"I just thought that the part where the President tells Ms. Lewinsky to lie under oath in the Paula Jones case and then promises to get her a good job back in the White House might be an impeachable offense under abuse of power......."
"Huh? Where did you see that?"
"What page is that on?"
"I didn't read that."
"Are you sure that's in there?"
"Mr Chairman, can't we get back to the good parts?"
"I give up!!"
　
　
　

NIGHT TO REMEMBER

August 31, 1997. Almost 12 years ago. A lot of mystery still surrounds that fateful night. I happen to have the inside scoop on what really happened:


"I don’t care if your father is half owner of this hotel. If you don’t hold the noise down, you’ll have to leave."
"Get the f%&*$ outta here!!"
"What??!!"
"I said get a bucket of beer."
"We serve pitchers."
"Whatever"
"S&*t, I’m wasted."
"Me, too."
"We better let Di drive."
"Oh f%&*$, look she’s passed out again."
"Get your hand out of her blouse! I’m her fiancé!"
"Relax, I was just checking her heart."
"You know, every time we go out drinking she passes out after one drink. I can’t understand it. No one can have that low of a tolerance for alcohol."
"I roofed her! I always do. It’s the only way she’ll put out. She wants to wait until we’re married."
"Dody, you sly dog! And that way you can get anything you want?"
"Of course, she’s f%&*$ing unconscious. Hey, did you know she has a tattoo?"
"Really? A princess with a tattoo?"
"Yeah. It’s on her inner thigh. It says "England’s Rose" or some f%&*$ing thing and the initials E.J."
"Barrrffff!!!"
"Oh Christ, Henry! You puked in the pitcher again. I told you it makes the beer taste funny and last night Di choked on one of the chunks."
"Richard, next time why don’t just you and me go drinking. Di and Henry can go to a movie or something."
"Speaking of Di, is your dad still opposed to the marriage?"
"Yeah, he says I should marry within my own race…a nice Arab girl."
"I don’t blame you for not wanting to do that. I got a peek under one’s veil once. God, she had the face of a camel and half her teeth were missing."
"Now you know why we make them wear veils. The religion thing is just an excuse."
"Well Di has a pretty face, and she sure is built."
"Yeah, but there are some drawbacks. Having to knock her out so I can get some is becoming a drag real fast! And you should hear the stuff she says in her sleep. All this crap about Mother Teresa planting landmines in Pakistan, just for starters. Listen! She’s saying something now…"
"Charlie, you bastard! I knew you were f%&*$ing that bitch all along. I’m gonna take you and your family for all you’ve got….and you can tell Liz and Phil I said so, too. I don’t know what she sees in you! That Arab guy is ten times better than you and I’m unconscious when he does it. I…."
"She’s waking up."
"How do you feel, sweetheart?"
"I feel like shit, Dody! How the f%&*$ do you think I feel? I feel like I’ve been drugged! I feel like puking! I feel like I ate a f%&*$ing down pillow! Barrrfff!!!"
"Oh Jesus! She can power puke! She got it all over those guys playing darts over there. Oh crap! They’re coming over!"
"Hey lady, for Christ sake, you got puke all over us! Why don’t you…..say, aren’t you Princess Diana? Can we get your autograph?"
"Piss off, you buggers! Or I’ll barf on you again!"
"We’re sorry, we didn’t mean to offend you. (I’ll bet we can get some big bucks for these clothes on Ebay)."
"They’re leaving."
"F%&*$’em!!"
"You know Di, when I first met you, well, you never talked like that. You were so nice, refined, high class…you know…royalty."
"Eat s&*t, Dody! You and your f%&*$ing drinking buddies have turned me into this."
""Hey George, how they hanging??!! That’s George Michael by the bar. Hey, you want us to wake you up before we go-go? Ha ha!"
"You know, I heard he’s……."
"Shhhh, Dody. You know what they say about the careless whisper of a close friend…yuk yuk!"
"Yeah. Wham! Ha ha!"
"Okay, you two, knock it off! How much longer are we gonna hang around this dump?"
"Why don’t you just have another beer, Di? Try to chill, huh?"
"Yeah, okay."
"Pssst, Dody, you gonna hit her again?"
"Shhh, yeah, when she ain’t looking."
"I thought all it took was one and it was la-la land for the rest of the night."
"Maybe she’s built up a resistance to it….or maybe f%&*$ing Pedro’s Farmicia in Tiajuana ripped me off!!"
"Hey, I’m gonna f%&*$ing die of thirst waiting for that damn beer!!"
"Here you go, my darling."
"Here you go, my darling…s&*t!! Gimme that f%&*$ing thing! Okay, tapeworm, drown you f%&*$er!! Glug!!"
"Oh s&*t! She fell right out of the chair!"
"She’s out cold! We better go. Let’s try to sneak out the back so the paparazzi don’t have a field day with this. Here, I got her arms. You grab her legs. Not up there, Richard, you pervert! Around the calves. Okay. Henry, go get the car and bring it out back. We’re going to try to sneak out and….."


"ATTENTION, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE. YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE. HER ROYAL HIGHNESS, DIANA SPENCER, PRINCESS OF WALES, HEIR TO THE KENSINGTON ESTATE, AND MOTHER OF THE FUTURE KING OF ENGLAND AND HER PARTY ARE NOW DEPARTING!!"


"S&*t! I hate when they do that! Henry, why aren’t you getting the car??"
"Look boss, I’m too f%&*$ed up to drive. I’ve had about 40 of those wine things plus 8 pitchers of beer. Oh, and don’t forget the fifth of Scotch we killed this afternoon!"
"Okay, okay! So grab a cup of coffee on your way out."
"No, really, I can’t drive! I can barely see. You know we have to go through that tricky tunnel. I’ll be banging off the walls and s&*t!"
"Well, then get one of those heavy armor-plated, leftover Hitler-special Mercedes then. A few scrapes won’t matter."
"Okay, you’re the boss but I got a bad feeling about this!"
"You know, Dody, he really is too drunk to drive."
"Shut up, Richard! Just help me carry this bitch to the car. I’m gonna do her in the backseat tonight. You sit up front with Henry."
"Oh great! Shotgun! The death seat. Thanks a lot!"
"Ha ha! Richard, if we get into an accident, you’ll probably be the only one to survive. Ha ha!"
"Very funny. I’ll be a true bodyguard then. I can guard the bodies until the hearse comes."
"Okay, here’s the car. Dump her in the back."
"Where’s Henry?"
"There he is, passed out on the front seat. Wake him up, willya?"
"I don’t see any paparazzi around. So far so good. What are you doing?"
"I just want to get her panties off before we get in…"
"Hey, mister, can I have some change?"
"No, little boy, you’ll lose your self esteem by begging. You’ll become a no-good bum and…I’ll tell you what…take these…they’re worth a fortune. Take my word for it!"
"Gee, thanks, mister!"
"Dody, you didn’t....?"
"Yes, I did. She’ll never miss them and if she does I’ll just tell her she must have left them in the ladies’ room."
"Okay, Henry, let’s go."
"Uh oh! There’s the paparazzi up front there. Everyone look nonchalant and maybe they’ll ignore us."
"Hey paparazzi! I’m driving Princess Diana! Betchas can’t catch us!"
"Oh Christ, Henry!"
"Dody, I got my gun. I can pick them off one by one when they get too close."
"Whatever, Richard. Hey, look, I’m a little busy back here so just help Henry with the driving and keep your eyes forward……and reposition that rearview mirror, Richard! God, what a pervert!"
"Shit, I missed!"
"What the f%&*$? Richard, what are you doing?"
"I was trying to shoot them out the back window."
"The glass is bulletproof! That f%&*$ing bullet ricocheted all around back here, you idiot!"
"Sorry, boss, I’ll shoot at them out the side window."
"Hey boss, we’re coming up to the tunnel. Want to drive?"
"You’re doing fine, Henry."
"Look out! You’re too close to the pillars!"
"You want to drive, Richard? I got plenty of clearance! For God sakes! I’ll just …….arrrgghhhhh!!!!" (Fade to black.......)


"Hey Pierre, can you see who is in zee front?"
"It’s hard to tell, Jacques. Zee driver is all smashed up against zee steering wheel. The other guy might be alive. I cannot be sure."
"There are two in zee back, a blonde bimbo and a dead guy with his fly open."
"Oh, I know zat guy. It is Dodo!"
"Dody, you f%&*$head!"
"What did she say?"
"Dody, you f%&*$head."
"I got zee f%&*$head part."
"Who are you?"
"I am Diana Spencer, her royal majesty, the princess of wales."
"Mais oui! And I am zee queen of England!"
"Oh….Liz is that you??"

THE MEETING

We all remember the Clinton presidency. What many people don't know about is the emergency meeting that Clnton and his aides had the night that the Monica Lewinsky story broke.
"I don’t understand what all the big fuss is about. All the other presidents had their little indiscretions. No big deal with them."
"Yes, Mr. President, they did. But they were discreet about it and most of the time the public didn’t find out until after they were dead. They would have their little rendezvous in out-of-the-way places: Camp David, China, Japan, Hyannisport….but, Christ, Bill, oral sex in the oval office??!! You were asking for it!"
"But oral sex isn’t the same as sexual relations…is it?"
"Sorry, Bill, you won’t get out of it that way."
"It isn’t fair!"
"Mr. President, you lied under oath. Kenneth Starr wants to hang you out to dry."
"But I did not have sexual relations with that girl!"
"Which girl?"
"Veronica Luzinski…"
"Give it up, sir. That won’t work."
"How about this? My fellow Americans, I only f%&*$ed a couple of girls. The other presidents f%&*$ed all of you…"
"No, they won’t buy that either. How’s Hillary holding up?"
"She hopes they fry me. I feel her pain."
"Really?"
"Yeah, she kicked me right in the groin when she found out. But don’t worry about her. I’ll handle her. I’ll promise her a pardon in the Whitewater thing if she keeps her mouth shut."
"S*&t! I wish Monica had kept her mouth shut! Ha ha."
"She’ll behave in public. She doesn’t want to move. I’m more worried about that Secret Service guy that walked in on us."
"Oh yes, that could be a big problem."
"It wouldn’t be if she had done him, too, like he wanted....but, she wouldn’t and now he’s pissed. That bitch!"
"Well, we do have one thing in our favor. If you’re impeached, then Al becomes president."
"Yeah, ha ha! Serves you right, you f%&*$ers! President Zombie! Ha! Even Starr doesn’t want that."
"Okay, Bill, this is serious. Now, they don’t need any more ammunition so you have stopped doing these things, right?"
"Well, of course! I’m not stupid! I mean…mostly I’ve stopped. Anyways, I’m a lot more careful now. I lock the door…."
"What about the windows?"
"Windows?"
"Look, Bill, you have got to stop! We can’t afford any more scandals!"
"But, it all comes down to my word against theirs…and I am the Goddamned president! Who would you believe? Hmmmmm….never mind that one."
"All of these girls say they can describe your penis and they are willing to do it under oath."
"So? Maybe they’ve seen me in the shower. How do they know? What are they going to do…pick it out of a lineup?"
"Shhh….don’t give them any ideas. One of the girls told a tabloid about how crooked it is."
"It’s only a little bent."
"That’s not the point. They do know what it looks like. They have been up close and personal. And the worst of it is, they are willing to swear to it."
"What about a disguise? The CIA can do that, right? Maybe a tattoo. They wouldn’t know about it. I could whip it out and say ‘aha, if we had oral sex, how come you don’t know about the tattoo?’"
"Sir, I believe Nixon was called ‘tricky dick’, not you."
"Well, you guys better come up with something. If I go down, you all go with me. You’ll all be unemployed."
"Hey, don’t threaten us! We have already been offered book deals, TV movies, miniseries, interviews….s*&t, we could be millionaires. And don’t forget the songs. I’ve even been offered a job writing jokes for David Letterman. So, if we stick with you, it’s out of intense loyalty, not because we would end up broke."
"I’m sorry. You guys really are the best…"
"Damn right! Never forget who got you elected despite your draft-dodging and marijuana use. And ‘I never inhaled’ was my idea."
"Hey, what about ‘she never swallowed’?"
"(Oh Jesus! Where did we get this guy?)"
"Okay, here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m going to admit it."
"Are you f%&*$ing crazy??!!"
"I’ll admit it. They’ll never expect that. It will catch them all with their pants down (heh heh). I’ll confess to misleading the American people about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. I’m sorry. Forgive me. I’m only human. I have sought religious counsel….etc etc"
"Hey, you might just have something there. But what about Hillary? She’s been humiliated publicly. She won’t let that slide."
"Well, obviously, the Secret Service will have to step up security. We don’t want her trying some Lorena Bobbitt thing, do we?"
"Yeah! Yuk yuk! Hey, Mr. President, we found it…but it looks like it’s broken..ha ha!"
"I told you…it’s only a little bent, damn it! Anyways, you guys write up something about how much her marriage means to her, how much she loves me and believes in me and respects and admires me as president."
"Nobody will believe that’s coming from her!"
"I’ll force her to sign it and her press agent can release it. Like I said before, she doesn’t want to move. This is the nicest house we have ever lived in. Where would she go? That’s right!! If we got separated, she moves out, not me. I’m president! It’s my f%&*$ing White House! So….I think she’ll play ball."
"You know, if she hadn’t been so inhibited to begin with and given you a little once in a while, you wouldn’t be in this mess. So, it’s her f%&*$ing fault anyway. What about Chelsea?"
"She likes her school. If she wants to keep going there, then she’ll toe the line. Otherwise, I’ll pack her ass off to The Citadel. See how she likes that! Ouch! Hell! I’m probably not her real father anyways. Ouch! Bitch! Don’t bite!"
"Who’s that under your desk? Come on out of there! S*&t, Bill! It’s Chelsea. Was she under there the whole time?"
"Yup, pretty good self-control, huh? You guys never suspected a thing."
"Well, I was wondering about the slurping sounds…….."
"Yes, she’s a little bit noisy. Chelsea, honey, tell your mom we’ll be done in a few minutes. Oh, and better wipe off your chin, sweetheart."

AND GOD CREATED WOMAN

"And God Created Woman". That was the title of a movie once. It starred Brigitte Bardot. She must be around 75 now. Anyways, I've often wondered about the circumstances that prompted God to give mankind this gift:

"God! Hey God! Where are you?"
"Over here, Gabriel. What's up?"
"What are you doing?"
"Practicing my chipping."
"Huh?"
"It's a game called golf. I'm going to give it to the world. It'll drive everyone crazy."
"There's only one man."
"There'll be more. How's Adam doing anyway?"
"Well, that's what I wanted to see you about. He's constantly complaining about loneliness."
"How's that? He lives in a garden full of animals."
"He says he's not getting enough sex."
"I told him he could do it with any female animal in the garden."
"Yes, but he says he can't compete with the males."
"Most of them are pretty well endowed, aren't they?"
"I was talking about how he can't run fast enough to catch the females."
"Oh. Well, I'll just slow them down a step or two."
"Actually, he wants a female of his own kind."
"Oh no! Not a chance. I've created this world....worked hard for six days and nights. I'm not going to ruin everything now."
"What did you do on the seventh day?"
"Rested. Yeah, right! I played golf, of course. Anyways, I'm not ready to ruin it. I carefully shaped and molded Adam out of a handful of clay, blew life into him, made him in my own image. Had to do it several times....kept coming out looking like Gumby. Now it sounds like Adam is getting just a little bit ungrateful, don'tcha think?"
"He says if he doesn't get a female companion he'll start on the plantlife."
"Well, we certainly can't have the world's first human doing a watermelon, can we?"
"No Lord, it ruins the taste."
"Oh, alright. Go get me one of his ribs."
"Sure! So I say: Hey Adam, God said I could rip a rib out of your chest. And then Adam says: Why don't you take a lung and a chunk of my liver and make a meal of it. You know Adam never liked me anyhow."
"Okay! Okay! So wait until he's asleep."
"I'll be back soon."
"I still can't believe this guy outfought Lucifer."
"I'm back, Here's the rib."
"Hmmmmmmmm. Let's see. A little curve here, a little curve there, breasts, nipples.....hmmm. let's see."
"Damn, you're good! Wait a minute. It looks like...like...one of those dolls...you know...that you have to inflate."
"Huh? Crap! You're right. Okay, go get me another rib."
"Oh goody! Otherwise poor Adam would have been lopsided. Be right back."
"A Mighty Fortress Is Our God.........ta dum dee dum dum dum dum dee dum.."
"I'm back!"
"I can see that. Was he still asleep?"
"Yeah, with a cantaloupe, watermelon and rutabaga."
"Oh no! We were too late."
"Well, the cantaloupe was smoking a cigarette.........."
"Ewwwwwwww!!"
"And smiling."
"Give me that rib! Hmmmmmmmm. Yeah. Okay. Presto! There!"
"It's gorgeous!"
"She's gorgeous! I'll call her "Bitch".
"No good. Call her woman."
"Okay, a woman named "Bitch".
No good, how about "Eve"?
"Eve? How'd you come up with that?"
"Adam and Bitch on a raft, All About Bitch, Christmas Bitch, New Year's Bitch......Just doesn't sound right, you know?"
"I see what you mean. Okay, take Eve down to Adam and see what he thinks of the woman I've created."
"Be right back."
"Hey Michael!"
"Yes, God?"
"How many archangels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"I'm back!"
"Well, what did he think?"
"He was ecstatic! He started mating with her immediately. He said it's the greatest thing you've ever done. Now he can have sex whenever he wants."
"Not necessarily."
"How so?"
"Because I've also created the headache."

WORLD WAR II COIN TOSS

What if there had been a coin toss before the start of World War II like they have before the start of a football game?
"Captain of the Japanese, this is captain of the Americans."
"Captain of the Americans, this is captain of the Japanese."
"Call the toss, Japanese."
"Japanese call heads……it’s heads. Whatcha wanna do, Japanese?"
"Okay, Japanese say they’re going to invade Manchuria, China and Korea. Then they will attack and destroy the U.S. Pacific fleet at Pearl Harbor. It will be a sneak attack, so you can’t tell anyone. Your ships must be berthed three deep in neat rows in the harbor. You wouldn’t be willing to paint targets on them, would you? No? Well, you can’t blame them for asking. Also, most of your aircraft must be caught on the ground. Park them in the center of the airfields so they’ll be easy targets. During the subsequent war, there must be no ground fighting in Japan. You may bomb the hell out of them if you like, but no ground fighting. If the Japanese should lose, you must allow them to keep their emperor. Also, you must spend trillions of dollars to rebuild their country so that they will become a financial, economic, and commercial powerhouse in future years."
"Okay, the Americans agree, except they refuse to have their aircraft carriers at Pearl Harbor. All ground fighting during the war will take place on meaningless little islands scattered throughout the Pacific. They won’t tolerate you boys in San Francisco. Your soldiers must attack in human wave Banzai charges so that the American machine gunners can mow them down by the hundreds. Your soldiers are not allowed to surrender. They must commit suicide. You must allow the Americans to break your Purple Code so they can decipher your radio messages throughout the war and always know what you are planning next. After you run out of bullets and bombs, you must pack your remaining planes with high explosives. Your youngest pilots must then try to fly them into American warships off the coast of Okinawa. The American gunners can use the target practice. On Iwo Jima, your soldiers must fight from tunnels, caves and holes so there is no escape from the American flame throwers. Ahhh, will there be any limit on the size of the bombs the Americans can use? No? Okay. The Americans say they will end the war by dropping a really, really big bomb on one of your cities."
"Alrighty then, the Japanese agree, but they will never surrender just because you drop one bomb. Maybe you better drop two. Anyways, I guess that settles it then."
"Ooops, one more item. The Americans say the Japanese must surrender to General MacArthur onboard the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay if they lose. He will then run Japan until the start of the Korean War."
"Okay, the Japanese have agreed and say you must learn the following words: Toyota, Toshiba, Nissan, Sanyo, Sony, Honda, Datsun, Mitsubishi, Mazda, Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, Suzuki, Isuzu, Hitachi, Power Rangers, Sailor Moon, Pokemon………"