EXODUS

Just about everyone knows the story of the Exodus; when Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt and into the Promised Land. But it didn't go quite as smoothly as we are led to believe from the Bible, Church, Sunday School or whatever:

"God! Hey God! Where the hell is he. Never around when I need him."
"MOSES!!!"
"Damn, what's with the burning bush. You scared the crap out of me. Jesus!!"
"Not born yet."
"Huh?"
"Never mind. I use the burning bush because you cannot look upon my divine radiance. It would melt the flesh right off your face."
"Yeah, well, the burning bush is giving me second degree burns."
"Don't stand so close. You'll still be able to hear me."
"Yeah, no kidding. How come you use that loud voice anyway?"
"I don't think people would pay attention if I used my regular voice"
"Let me hear your regular voice."
"Okay, this is my regular voice......"
"Mwahahahaha!!! You sound like Mike Tyson. Hee hee. No wonder you have to use all that bass and the booming echo. Mwahahahaha......."
"MOSES!!!!!"
"Ow, stop with the thunderclap already. You made my ears bleed."
"You have sinned against me! Thou shalt not mock the Lord thy God!"
"Where does it say that?"
"It will. I haven't written it up yet. (Note to self: Make that one of the Commandments)."
"Anyways, where have you been?"
"First you have to pray to me."
"I don't know any prayers. Let's see: Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes-Benz......"
"Never mind! (Note to self: Write them some prayers.)"
"So, where were you? I been calling you for over an hour."
"I was burying dinosaur bones on Mt. Everest."
"Why would you do that?"
"I want to screw with future archaeologists."
"That will do it, alright."
"Yup, they'll be messed up for years trying to figure that one out. How did things go with the Pharaoh? Will he let my people go?"
"Don't you know? You're supposed to be omnipotent and all that."
"I want to hear it from you."
"Things didn't work out like you planned. I threw my rod on the ground and it turned into a serpent like you said. They weren't impressed. Their main magician did the same thing with his rod and his serpent ate ours."
"Ewwwww, what did you do?"
"Well, I asked for my rod back, you know, because I needed it for my other tricks; but they wouldn't give it to me."
"Oh no."
"Then these Penn and Teller guys came out and performed a whole bunch of magic tricks. I cheered and laughed right along with the rest of the crowd. The Pharaoh thought I was an alright guy so he let me have my rod back but he said he wouldn't let your people go."
"Then what happened?"
"Well, the damn stick was all slimy from being in the other snake so I dipped it in the Nile to wash it off."
"No. No. That was supposed to be way later. Did it change the water to blood red?"
"Yes...well no...actually Burgundy. In fact, it was burgundy. The Egyptians started drinking it and after awhile they were drunk and passed out. I had to wait until they woke up before I could continue with the other tricks and the plagues."
"And then......?"
"None of the other tricks impressed them. Pharaoh still said no. So I started with the plagues. First, the locusts."
"Great! Eat up all the crops, starve them out. Then he'll let my people go."
"Not quite. They flew overhead and kept right on going. Who gave them the directions, anyway?"
"I did. So it didn't work?"
"Nope, and now you got about a million pissed off and hungry Abyssinians to worry about. They have returned to worshipping their golden idols. And your own people are pissed, too."
"Why?"
"That thing with the goat blood on the doors. Was that your idea?"
"Well, me and the angel of death."
"Did you consider what would happen to the goat blood in this Egyptian heat? Did you think about the smell, the flies, the Egyptians pointing and laughing, our kids being picked on at school, the......."
"MOSES!!!"
"Ow! I told you about that thunderclap....."
"Okay, sorry. We had to go with the goat blood. We couldn't think of anything else. The angel of death didn't have an address book. It's the best we could do on short notice. He had to know which houses to passover."
"Well, it didn't work."
"Why not?"
"Once the Egyptians realized that the first born was dying in each unmarked house, they got goat blood and marked their own doors."
"Get the angel of death! Tell him he blew it. He has to go back."
"It's too late for that now. All you've managed to do is piss off a bunch of goats."
"Did any of the plagues work?"
"No."
"Not even the frogs?"
"The French restaurants grabbed them all up."
"Damn! Well, I'm fresh out of ideas. I'll just have to give the promised land to someone else. How'd you guys get into this mess anyway?"
"You think this is bad? You think this is oppression, prejudice, denial of our human rights? This is nothing compared to what the Nazis will put us through in World War II."
"Who? What?"
"Never mind. Look, God. I have an idea. We'll just sneak away. You can guide us at night with a pillar of fire and by day with a cloud. You lead us to the promised land."
"I don't know. I'm kind of busy. I got that Abyssinian thing to deal with and....."
"Why don't you just *POOF* us to the promised land?"
"I don't work like that. You'll have to walk. But how will you get across the Red Sea?"
"Dammit!! You're God. You can do anything. Just part the waters and we'll walk across."
"I'll have to check the tide tables. It's gonna take you guys forty years, you know."
"Forty years? Walking through the blistering hot desert for forty years? Okay, okay. The things I have to do to get to the promised land. Sheesh."
"You aren't going."
"What? What do you mean I'm not going? After all this crap, I can't go?"
"You're going to die before you get there."
"Is this your idea of a sick joke?"
"I need you here with me."
"Doing what?"
"Well, I don't know. All the important jobs are taken. But, I'll think of something."
"Well, that's messed up!!"
"Oh, one more thing. I want you to climb Mt. Sinai before you die."
"That does it! That's the last straw. I'm sorry I was ever born into this world. I'm sorry you picked me for this. I'm sorry I threw away my golden idol. I'm sorry......"
"MOSES!!!!!"
"What??!! Now I suppose you'll turn me into a pillar of salt."
"No. But that's a good one. Have to store that away for future use. You've given me some ideas for some laws that I need to make."
"Oh?"
"Yes. I'll write them on these huge stone tablets and give them to you on Mt. Sinai. Then you can carry them to the bottom and give them to the promised ones."
"Whoa! Wait a minute! These stone tablets have got to weigh at least a hundred pounds each. I'm an old man. I'm 180 I think. How can I carry those? Why not give them to me at the bottom? Those things will kill me............"
"We all gotta go sometime. Well, you mortals anyway. Look if you don't want to do it. I can get someone else. I can get Aaron..........or maybe that Charlton Heston guy (he was so good as Ben-Hur). It'll change history, but what the hell."
"Okay, okay. I'll do it but you're going to owe me."
"I'll tell you the secret of the pyramids."
"You mean how they were built? I watched, remember?"
"How about if you just come to heaven? You don't have to go through the dying routine."
"You mean I just rise up? With the sky all glowing, angels singing and blowing a fanfare on their horns, you holding my hand as we enter through the gates of heaven, people below cheering..........?"
"MOSES!!! Don't push it."