THE MEETING

We all remember the Clinton presidency. What many people don't know about is the emergency meeting that Clnton and his aides had the night that the Monica Lewinsky story broke.
"I don’t understand what all the big fuss is about. All the other presidents had their little indiscretions. No big deal with them."
"Yes, Mr. President, they did. But they were discreet about it and most of the time the public didn’t find out until after they were dead. They would have their little rendezvous in out-of-the-way places: Camp David, China, Japan, Hyannisport….but, Christ, Bill, oral sex in the oval office??!! You were asking for it!"
"But oral sex isn’t the same as sexual relations…is it?"
"Sorry, Bill, you won’t get out of it that way."
"It isn’t fair!"
"Mr. President, you lied under oath. Kenneth Starr wants to hang you out to dry."
"But I did not have sexual relations with that girl!"
"Which girl?"
"Veronica Luzinski…"
"Give it up, sir. That won’t work."
"How about this? My fellow Americans, I only f%&*$ed a couple of girls. The other presidents f%&*$ed all of you…"
"No, they won’t buy that either. How’s Hillary holding up?"
"She hopes they fry me. I feel her pain."
"Really?"
"Yeah, she kicked me right in the groin when she found out. But don’t worry about her. I’ll handle her. I’ll promise her a pardon in the Whitewater thing if she keeps her mouth shut."
"S*&t! I wish Monica had kept her mouth shut! Ha ha."
"She’ll behave in public. She doesn’t want to move. I’m more worried about that Secret Service guy that walked in on us."
"Oh yes, that could be a big problem."
"It wouldn’t be if she had done him, too, like he wanted....but, she wouldn’t and now he’s pissed. That bitch!"
"Well, we do have one thing in our favor. If you’re impeached, then Al becomes president."
"Yeah, ha ha! Serves you right, you f%&*$ers! President Zombie! Ha! Even Starr doesn’t want that."
"Okay, Bill, this is serious. Now, they don’t need any more ammunition so you have stopped doing these things, right?"
"Well, of course! I’m not stupid! I mean…mostly I’ve stopped. Anyways, I’m a lot more careful now. I lock the door…."
"What about the windows?"
"Windows?"
"Look, Bill, you have got to stop! We can’t afford any more scandals!"
"But, it all comes down to my word against theirs…and I am the Goddamned president! Who would you believe? Hmmmmm….never mind that one."
"All of these girls say they can describe your penis and they are willing to do it under oath."
"So? Maybe they’ve seen me in the shower. How do they know? What are they going to do…pick it out of a lineup?"
"Shhh….don’t give them any ideas. One of the girls told a tabloid about how crooked it is."
"It’s only a little bent."
"That’s not the point. They do know what it looks like. They have been up close and personal. And the worst of it is, they are willing to swear to it."
"What about a disguise? The CIA can do that, right? Maybe a tattoo. They wouldn’t know about it. I could whip it out and say ‘aha, if we had oral sex, how come you don’t know about the tattoo?’"
"Sir, I believe Nixon was called ‘tricky dick’, not you."
"Well, you guys better come up with something. If I go down, you all go with me. You’ll all be unemployed."
"Hey, don’t threaten us! We have already been offered book deals, TV movies, miniseries, interviews….s*&t, we could be millionaires. And don’t forget the songs. I’ve even been offered a job writing jokes for David Letterman. So, if we stick with you, it’s out of intense loyalty, not because we would end up broke."
"I’m sorry. You guys really are the best…"
"Damn right! Never forget who got you elected despite your draft-dodging and marijuana use. And ‘I never inhaled’ was my idea."
"Hey, what about ‘she never swallowed’?"
"(Oh Jesus! Where did we get this guy?)"
"Okay, here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m going to admit it."
"Are you f%&*$ing crazy??!!"
"I’ll admit it. They’ll never expect that. It will catch them all with their pants down (heh heh). I’ll confess to misleading the American people about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. I’m sorry. Forgive me. I’m only human. I have sought religious counsel….etc etc"
"Hey, you might just have something there. But what about Hillary? She’s been humiliated publicly. She won’t let that slide."
"Well, obviously, the Secret Service will have to step up security. We don’t want her trying some Lorena Bobbitt thing, do we?"
"Yeah! Yuk yuk! Hey, Mr. President, we found it…but it looks like it’s broken..ha ha!"
"I told you…it’s only a little bent, damn it! Anyways, you guys write up something about how much her marriage means to her, how much she loves me and believes in me and respects and admires me as president."
"Nobody will believe that’s coming from her!"
"I’ll force her to sign it and her press agent can release it. Like I said before, she doesn’t want to move. This is the nicest house we have ever lived in. Where would she go? That’s right!! If we got separated, she moves out, not me. I’m president! It’s my f%&*$ing White House! So….I think she’ll play ball."
"You know, if she hadn’t been so inhibited to begin with and given you a little once in a while, you wouldn’t be in this mess. So, it’s her f%&*$ing fault anyway. What about Chelsea?"
"She likes her school. If she wants to keep going there, then she’ll toe the line. Otherwise, I’ll pack her ass off to The Citadel. See how she likes that! Ouch! Hell! I’m probably not her real father anyways. Ouch! Bitch! Don’t bite!"
"Who’s that under your desk? Come on out of there! S*&t, Bill! It’s Chelsea. Was she under there the whole time?"
"Yup, pretty good self-control, huh? You guys never suspected a thing."
"Well, I was wondering about the slurping sounds…….."
"Yes, she’s a little bit noisy. Chelsea, honey, tell your mom we’ll be done in a few minutes. Oh, and better wipe off your chin, sweetheart."