What if the founding fathers had the foresight to include oral sex as an impeachable offense in the constitution; or had even discussed it? What might that have been like?
"Mr. Jefferson has the floor."
"Yes, well, thank you. Gentlemen, as I was saying, besides bribery, treason, and abuse of power, perhaps we should include oral sex as an impeachable offense."
"Oral sex?"
"Yes, Ben."
"Giving or receiving, Mr. Jefferson?"
"Well, most certainly receiving, Mr. Handcock - is it?"
"What is oral sex?"
"Ben, you aren't married, are you?"
"No."
"Ever been with a woman?
"No."
"A man?"
"No. I had this little mouse once that..."
"Never mind. Hey, why aren't you wearing your 'I'm a frigging idiot' sign?"
"I thought it was degrading so.....actually I lost it."
"You lost it? You know we want you to always wear it to remind us to talk down to you."
"Yes, but I'm not a frigging idiot!"
"Ben, do you fly a kite during lightening storms?"
"Well, yes, but that's so..."
"And did you spend $1100 of our money for a bell we can't use because it has a big-ass crack in it?
"Well, yes, but..."
"Ben, you're a frigging idiot! Get another sign and put it on."
"From where?"
"Well, I don't know. They hand them out at Supreme Court Justice confirmation hearings, don't they?"
"I think so."
"Good. Now, Mr. Handcock, you had asked 'giving or receiving'? You know that's a very interesting name you have......"
"It's Hancock, without the 'd'. But just call me John."
"Hmmm. John Hancock. Has a bit of pizzazz to it. Ever thought about going into the insurance business?"
"I shovel manure."
"You had a very nice, bold signature on the Declaration of Independence. Totally pissed off the Brits."
"It wasn't my fault. I didn't get a chance to wash my hands and the quill kept slipping."
"Oh, well. Anyways, I suggest we make it 'receiving' and leave the 'giving' part of it vague, so that....."
"Yeah, vague, like most of the crap in this constitution. Vague, so no one can understand it. Vague, so the Supreme Court has to meet to interpret it. Vague, so a whole new category of law - Constitutional Law - has to be invented just to deal with it. Thomas, you need to wear a 'frigging idiot' sign yourself!"
"George, sit down and shut up or I'll knock your wooden teeth down your throat!"
"Yeah? And I'll shove that powdered wig up your ass! And one more thing, what's so wrong about me, I mean, the President, receiving oral sex in the White House?"
"Because George, Mr. President, in one of my visions I foresaw that many years from now, because it wasn't clearly stated in the constitution, a U.S President received oral sex in the oval office of the White House and it created a big problem."
"What's the oval office?"
"It's the President's office in the White House."
"What's the White House?
"We haven't built it yet. It will be the President's home."
"What's oral sex?"
"Good lord. Alright, Ben. Come hear and I'll whisper it in your ear."
"Oh my God! Really! You're messing with me, right?"
"No, Ben, that's what it is."
"Doesn't it hurt?"
"No. Unless she bites down."
"She?"
"Or he."
"And then you pee in her mouth?"
"Not if you enjoy living."
"Well what then?"
"Haven't you ever masturbated, Ben?"
"Master who?"
"You do it in her mouth."
"Huh?"
"Oh, Thomas, not if you promised not to."
"Yeah. Okay. Right, John. Not if you promised you wouldn't. Otherwise she's liable to do a Lorena Bobbitt on you."
"Who's that?"
"Never mind. I saw it in a vision."
"I don't understand."
"It's okay, Ben. Put your sign on and go sit down."
"You know, Thomas, I met with the French last week. When they saw my sign they all went and got signs that said 'so are we' so I wouldn't feel bad. Wasn't that nice?"
"Yes, Ben, and not surprising either. Go sit down. Where were we?"
"Leaving the 'giving' part vague."
"Yes, thank you, John. It is more blessed to give than to receive..."
"Who said that?"
"I think it's anonymous."
"Oh good. I want to use it in my almanac."
"Ben, please! Anyways, some day there may be a female president in which case the 'giving' would apply, or conceivably it might be necessary for a male president to give oral sex....."
"Now, wait just a minute......!"
"...To a foreign dignitary......"
"...Your ass, Thomas......!"
"...Or even a congressman..."
"Screw you!! No one told me about this!"
"...In order to gain support for some global or domestic program."
"Kiss my ass!! I ain't giving no man oral sex!!"
"George, what is it? For Christ sakes. I'm just theorizing here to make sure we cover all the bases."
"Bases?"
"It's a baseball term, Ben."
"Baseball?"
"I saw it in a vision."
"You and your visions!! I ain't giving no oral sex!!"
"Relax, George. As president, you can delegate it."
"To whom?"
"I don't know........the Secretary of State."
"Wanna be my Secretary of State?"
"No, George I don't. But that reminds me of a vision I had. More then 200 hundred years from now we will have our first black president....."
"What? You're crazy!"
"Thank God I won't see it."
"I knew we should have made it 'white men only are created equal'. Now look what's gonna happen."
"All you bigots sit down and shut up! As it turns out, this president's Secretary of State will be Hillary Clinton so he will have to perform his own oral sex."
"Mr. Jefferson has the floor."
"Yes, well, thank you. Gentlemen, as I was saying, besides bribery, treason, and abuse of power, perhaps we should include oral sex as an impeachable offense."
"Oral sex?"
"Yes, Ben."
"Giving or receiving, Mr. Jefferson?"
"Well, most certainly receiving, Mr. Handcock - is it?"
"What is oral sex?"
"Ben, you aren't married, are you?"
"No."
"Ever been with a woman?
"No."
"A man?"
"No. I had this little mouse once that..."
"Never mind. Hey, why aren't you wearing your 'I'm a frigging idiot' sign?"
"I thought it was degrading so.....actually I lost it."
"You lost it? You know we want you to always wear it to remind us to talk down to you."
"Yes, but I'm not a frigging idiot!"
"Ben, do you fly a kite during lightening storms?"
"Well, yes, but that's so..."
"And did you spend $1100 of our money for a bell we can't use because it has a big-ass crack in it?
"Well, yes, but..."
"Ben, you're a frigging idiot! Get another sign and put it on."
"From where?"
"Well, I don't know. They hand them out at Supreme Court Justice confirmation hearings, don't they?"
"I think so."
"Good. Now, Mr. Handcock, you had asked 'giving or receiving'? You know that's a very interesting name you have......"
"It's Hancock, without the 'd'. But just call me John."
"Hmmm. John Hancock. Has a bit of pizzazz to it. Ever thought about going into the insurance business?"
"I shovel manure."
"You had a very nice, bold signature on the Declaration of Independence. Totally pissed off the Brits."
"It wasn't my fault. I didn't get a chance to wash my hands and the quill kept slipping."
"Oh, well. Anyways, I suggest we make it 'receiving' and leave the 'giving' part of it vague, so that....."
"Yeah, vague, like most of the crap in this constitution. Vague, so no one can understand it. Vague, so the Supreme Court has to meet to interpret it. Vague, so a whole new category of law - Constitutional Law - has to be invented just to deal with it. Thomas, you need to wear a 'frigging idiot' sign yourself!"
"George, sit down and shut up or I'll knock your wooden teeth down your throat!"
"Yeah? And I'll shove that powdered wig up your ass! And one more thing, what's so wrong about me, I mean, the President, receiving oral sex in the White House?"
"Because George, Mr. President, in one of my visions I foresaw that many years from now, because it wasn't clearly stated in the constitution, a U.S President received oral sex in the oval office of the White House and it created a big problem."
"What's the oval office?"
"It's the President's office in the White House."
"What's the White House?
"We haven't built it yet. It will be the President's home."
"What's oral sex?"
"Good lord. Alright, Ben. Come hear and I'll whisper it in your ear."
"Oh my God! Really! You're messing with me, right?"
"No, Ben, that's what it is."
"Doesn't it hurt?"
"No. Unless she bites down."
"She?"
"Or he."
"And then you pee in her mouth?"
"Not if you enjoy living."
"Well what then?"
"Haven't you ever masturbated, Ben?"
"Master who?"
"You do it in her mouth."
"Huh?"
"Oh, Thomas, not if you promised not to."
"Yeah. Okay. Right, John. Not if you promised you wouldn't. Otherwise she's liable to do a Lorena Bobbitt on you."
"Who's that?"
"Never mind. I saw it in a vision."
"I don't understand."
"It's okay, Ben. Put your sign on and go sit down."
"You know, Thomas, I met with the French last week. When they saw my sign they all went and got signs that said 'so are we' so I wouldn't feel bad. Wasn't that nice?"
"Yes, Ben, and not surprising either. Go sit down. Where were we?"
"Leaving the 'giving' part vague."
"Yes, thank you, John. It is more blessed to give than to receive..."
"Who said that?"
"I think it's anonymous."
"Oh good. I want to use it in my almanac."
"Ben, please! Anyways, some day there may be a female president in which case the 'giving' would apply, or conceivably it might be necessary for a male president to give oral sex....."
"Now, wait just a minute......!"
"...To a foreign dignitary......"
"...Your ass, Thomas......!"
"...Or even a congressman..."
"Screw you!! No one told me about this!"
"...In order to gain support for some global or domestic program."
"Kiss my ass!! I ain't giving no man oral sex!!"
"George, what is it? For Christ sakes. I'm just theorizing here to make sure we cover all the bases."
"Bases?"
"It's a baseball term, Ben."
"Baseball?"
"I saw it in a vision."
"You and your visions!! I ain't giving no oral sex!!"
"Relax, George. As president, you can delegate it."
"To whom?"
"I don't know........the Secretary of State."
"Wanna be my Secretary of State?"
"No, George I don't. But that reminds me of a vision I had. More then 200 hundred years from now we will have our first black president....."
"What? You're crazy!"
"Thank God I won't see it."
"I knew we should have made it 'white men only are created equal'. Now look what's gonna happen."
"All you bigots sit down and shut up! As it turns out, this president's Secretary of State will be Hillary Clinton so he will have to perform his own oral sex."
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