NIGHT TO REMEMBER

August 31, 1997. Almost 12 years ago. A lot of mystery still surrounds that fateful night. I happen to have the inside scoop on what really happened:


"I don’t care if your father is half owner of this hotel. If you don’t hold the noise down, you’ll have to leave."
"Get the f%&*$ outta here!!"
"What??!!"
"I said get a bucket of beer."
"We serve pitchers."
"Whatever"
"S&*t, I’m wasted."
"Me, too."
"We better let Di drive."
"Oh f%&*$, look she’s passed out again."
"Get your hand out of her blouse! I’m her fiancé!"
"Relax, I was just checking her heart."
"You know, every time we go out drinking she passes out after one drink. I can’t understand it. No one can have that low of a tolerance for alcohol."
"I roofed her! I always do. It’s the only way she’ll put out. She wants to wait until we’re married."
"Dody, you sly dog! And that way you can get anything you want?"
"Of course, she’s f%&*$ing unconscious. Hey, did you know she has a tattoo?"
"Really? A princess with a tattoo?"
"Yeah. It’s on her inner thigh. It says "England’s Rose" or some f%&*$ing thing and the initials E.J."
"Barrrffff!!!"
"Oh Christ, Henry! You puked in the pitcher again. I told you it makes the beer taste funny and last night Di choked on one of the chunks."
"Richard, next time why don’t just you and me go drinking. Di and Henry can go to a movie or something."
"Speaking of Di, is your dad still opposed to the marriage?"
"Yeah, he says I should marry within my own race…a nice Arab girl."
"I don’t blame you for not wanting to do that. I got a peek under one’s veil once. God, she had the face of a camel and half her teeth were missing."
"Now you know why we make them wear veils. The religion thing is just an excuse."
"Well Di has a pretty face, and she sure is built."
"Yeah, but there are some drawbacks. Having to knock her out so I can get some is becoming a drag real fast! And you should hear the stuff she says in her sleep. All this crap about Mother Teresa planting landmines in Pakistan, just for starters. Listen! She’s saying something now…"
"Charlie, you bastard! I knew you were f%&*$ing that bitch all along. I’m gonna take you and your family for all you’ve got….and you can tell Liz and Phil I said so, too. I don’t know what she sees in you! That Arab guy is ten times better than you and I’m unconscious when he does it. I…."
"She’s waking up."
"How do you feel, sweetheart?"
"I feel like shit, Dody! How the f%&*$ do you think I feel? I feel like I’ve been drugged! I feel like puking! I feel like I ate a f%&*$ing down pillow! Barrrfff!!!"
"Oh Jesus! She can power puke! She got it all over those guys playing darts over there. Oh crap! They’re coming over!"
"Hey lady, for Christ sake, you got puke all over us! Why don’t you…..say, aren’t you Princess Diana? Can we get your autograph?"
"Piss off, you buggers! Or I’ll barf on you again!"
"We’re sorry, we didn’t mean to offend you. (I’ll bet we can get some big bucks for these clothes on Ebay)."
"They’re leaving."
"F%&*$’em!!"
"You know Di, when I first met you, well, you never talked like that. You were so nice, refined, high class…you know…royalty."
"Eat s&*t, Dody! You and your f%&*$ing drinking buddies have turned me into this."
""Hey George, how they hanging??!! That’s George Michael by the bar. Hey, you want us to wake you up before we go-go? Ha ha!"
"You know, I heard he’s……."
"Shhhh, Dody. You know what they say about the careless whisper of a close friend…yuk yuk!"
"Yeah. Wham! Ha ha!"
"Okay, you two, knock it off! How much longer are we gonna hang around this dump?"
"Why don’t you just have another beer, Di? Try to chill, huh?"
"Yeah, okay."
"Pssst, Dody, you gonna hit her again?"
"Shhh, yeah, when she ain’t looking."
"I thought all it took was one and it was la-la land for the rest of the night."
"Maybe she’s built up a resistance to it….or maybe f%&*$ing Pedro’s Farmicia in Tiajuana ripped me off!!"
"Hey, I’m gonna f%&*$ing die of thirst waiting for that damn beer!!"
"Here you go, my darling."
"Here you go, my darling…s&*t!! Gimme that f%&*$ing thing! Okay, tapeworm, drown you f%&*$er!! Glug!!"
"Oh s&*t! She fell right out of the chair!"
"She’s out cold! We better go. Let’s try to sneak out the back so the paparazzi don’t have a field day with this. Here, I got her arms. You grab her legs. Not up there, Richard, you pervert! Around the calves. Okay. Henry, go get the car and bring it out back. We’re going to try to sneak out and….."


"ATTENTION, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE. YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE. HER ROYAL HIGHNESS, DIANA SPENCER, PRINCESS OF WALES, HEIR TO THE KENSINGTON ESTATE, AND MOTHER OF THE FUTURE KING OF ENGLAND AND HER PARTY ARE NOW DEPARTING!!"


"S&*t! I hate when they do that! Henry, why aren’t you getting the car??"
"Look boss, I’m too f%&*$ed up to drive. I’ve had about 40 of those wine things plus 8 pitchers of beer. Oh, and don’t forget the fifth of Scotch we killed this afternoon!"
"Okay, okay! So grab a cup of coffee on your way out."
"No, really, I can’t drive! I can barely see. You know we have to go through that tricky tunnel. I’ll be banging off the walls and s&*t!"
"Well, then get one of those heavy armor-plated, leftover Hitler-special Mercedes then. A few scrapes won’t matter."
"Okay, you’re the boss but I got a bad feeling about this!"
"You know, Dody, he really is too drunk to drive."
"Shut up, Richard! Just help me carry this bitch to the car. I’m gonna do her in the backseat tonight. You sit up front with Henry."
"Oh great! Shotgun! The death seat. Thanks a lot!"
"Ha ha! Richard, if we get into an accident, you’ll probably be the only one to survive. Ha ha!"
"Very funny. I’ll be a true bodyguard then. I can guard the bodies until the hearse comes."
"Okay, here’s the car. Dump her in the back."
"Where’s Henry?"
"There he is, passed out on the front seat. Wake him up, willya?"
"I don’t see any paparazzi around. So far so good. What are you doing?"
"I just want to get her panties off before we get in…"
"Hey, mister, can I have some change?"
"No, little boy, you’ll lose your self esteem by begging. You’ll become a no-good bum and…I’ll tell you what…take these…they’re worth a fortune. Take my word for it!"
"Gee, thanks, mister!"
"Dody, you didn’t....?"
"Yes, I did. She’ll never miss them and if she does I’ll just tell her she must have left them in the ladies’ room."
"Okay, Henry, let’s go."
"Uh oh! There’s the paparazzi up front there. Everyone look nonchalant and maybe they’ll ignore us."
"Hey paparazzi! I’m driving Princess Diana! Betchas can’t catch us!"
"Oh Christ, Henry!"
"Dody, I got my gun. I can pick them off one by one when they get too close."
"Whatever, Richard. Hey, look, I’m a little busy back here so just help Henry with the driving and keep your eyes forward……and reposition that rearview mirror, Richard! God, what a pervert!"
"Shit, I missed!"
"What the f%&*$? Richard, what are you doing?"
"I was trying to shoot them out the back window."
"The glass is bulletproof! That f%&*$ing bullet ricocheted all around back here, you idiot!"
"Sorry, boss, I’ll shoot at them out the side window."
"Hey boss, we’re coming up to the tunnel. Want to drive?"
"You’re doing fine, Henry."
"Look out! You’re too close to the pillars!"
"You want to drive, Richard? I got plenty of clearance! For God sakes! I’ll just …….arrrgghhhhh!!!!" (Fade to black.......)


"Hey Pierre, can you see who is in zee front?"
"It’s hard to tell, Jacques. Zee driver is all smashed up against zee steering wheel. The other guy might be alive. I cannot be sure."
"There are two in zee back, a blonde bimbo and a dead guy with his fly open."
"Oh, I know zat guy. It is Dodo!"
"Dody, you f%&*$head!"
"What did she say?"
"Dody, you f%&*$head."
"I got zee f%&*$head part."
"Who are you?"
"I am Diana Spencer, her royal majesty, the princess of wales."
"Mais oui! And I am zee queen of England!"
"Oh….Liz is that you??"