DR. KERVORKIAN

Eleven years ago, if you picked up a newspaper or watched the evening news, all they talked about was Dr. Kervorkian's assisted suicides and President Clinton's sexual adventures and the impeachment proceedings. My technicians here at Sicko Inc. managed to hide a tape recorder in Dr. Kervorkian's office:

"Dr. Kervorkian's office. The doctor is out on a suicide right now. No, sir, we don't have any payment plans available. It's payment up front. I'm afraid half now and half later would not be acceptable to the doctor. Thank you for calling."

"Dr. Kervorkian's office. No, it has to be a suicide. They must push the button on the death machine themselves. No, we can't kill him and make it look like a suicide. Well, I don't blame you for asking. Alright, Mrs. Clinton. Thank you for calling."

"Dr. Kervorkian's office. Your dying earns us a living. Oh....hello, doctor. I just now made it up. No, I don't think it's funny. I was getting a little bored. Yes, I realize business is slow. I know we don't get referrals....right, or repeat customers, either. Okay, okay. I'll try to be more businesslike. I'm forwarding your messages now, doctor. How's the Benson suicide going? She won't push the button? Can't her family talk her into it? Not so far, huh? The son pretended to fall against the machine and then tried to push the button with his elbow but he missed? Ha ha. I'm sorry. But, that's a new one. I told you a black button with a skull and crossbones imprinted on it might be a turn off. A soft pastel button labeled 'Heavenly Bliss' would work better. Okay, doctor, see you later."

"Suicide hotline. Boy did you get a wrong number! Ha ha. Just kidding. This is Dr. Kervorkian's office. Yes, the method is quite painless. How do I know? Well, for one thing we haven't had any complaints. Okay, okay. Seriously, you'll be dead. What are you going to say? 'Crap, that really hurt!' It's quite simple. You press the button and then you croak. No, not like a frog. You die, you moron! When you press the button it releases a lethal chemical into the IV line. It's stuck in your arm. No, you're lying on a gurney. It's a stretcher with wheels. You lose consciousness almost immediately. Yes, at that moment you are still breathing but not for long. Next, your body goes into convulsions. Huh? Your arms and legs flail around, you shake all over, only the whites of your eyes show, and you foam at the mouth. Drool, you jerk! Then the poison reaches your heart and stops it. Yes, at that point it's too late to change your mind. You exhale your final breath, your body goes limp, and your bowels and bladder empty. You crap and pee yourself, you stupid idiot! God damn, you're dumb! Yes, you are completely dead. The doctor will examine you and announce: 'This guy is frigging dead. Next!' Yes, there is a fee for this. $2500. Yes, you dummy, you have to pay first. Look, I'll make you a deal. I'll pay your fee if you let me watch. Well, screw you, too! Hello....hello....dickhead!"

"Dr. Kervorkian's office. Who? No, this isn't the president. Oh, you're the president. Hello, Mr. President. Hey, that took some really big balls, confessing and all. Mrs. Clinton sounded really pissed. Huh? A few minutes ago when she called. No, sir, like I told her, we can't do anything like that. The person has to push the button themselves. We could get into big trouble. Yes, I know you are the goddamn president. A pardon? How do we know you would? We can take your word for it? You never lie? Well, even then, we still have a very strict policy that the victim...er...patient, must have an incurable and terminal disease or affliction. Anthrax? That would qualify. From Iraq, huh? You know this guy over there? No! No! I can't believe I'm discussing this. It's totally out of the question. Mr. President, you'll just have to get the CIA or someone else to kill Hillary. Not Hillary? Who have we been talking about here? I see.... Kenneth Starr, Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones, a secret service agent, some Arkansas state troopers, Peter Jennings, Dan Rather, Hugh Downs, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Dennis Miller.....yes, I'm getting all of this. Go on, Mr. President......."